It’s Mi Sexuality Oh Gay?

The memory of how I felt when I met my friend Gaby is still as fresh as the day it happened. Only I didn’t know what that feeling was then, I didn’t know I was experiencing love at first sight. I remember feeling totally drawn to her in a way I had never experienced before with any boy,. We lived in the same block of flats and there was rarely a day that went by that we didn’t see each other, We did everything together and try as I might, for some reason I just couldn’t stay away from her.

It wasn’t until 3 years later, when I was 17 that the extent of my feelings for her became clear to me. We were hanging out just like any other day when she told me that she had, had her first kiss at school with another one of her female friends and much to my unexpected surprise I was overcome with jealousy, She noticed this and asked me if it was because I had wanted to be her first kiss, I hadn’t allowed myself to think about it until then, but I realized in that moment that, that was exactly what I wanted. And so I kissed her. That was when my internal world started to shift.. I could never go back to being “just friends” with her and sadly for me since the feelings weren’t reciprocated, a year or so after that our friendship petered out for good.

Later in that same year I had my first experience of sleeping with a girl, she was the cousin of my (then) recently ex- boyfriend. I found her attractive even before I knew she was gay. It happened at a house party held by one of her friends, and I would love to say that it was the most perfect, movie magic experience I’ve ever had but this being the real world it was not the case, In fact I was drunk and stoned out of my head and she was rough and impatient. but I, being too disbelieving of my luck that another woman found me attractive let alone was willing to act on it, didn’t care much.
It took me two whole years after this incident and one or two more same sex kisses for me to finally get to a point where I was willing to admit (first to myself then others) that I was bisexual. When I finally did come out at the age of 19, My best friend was the first person I told. It was made easy if not a bit anti-climactic by her nonchalant reaction of “I know” *shrug* and telling my mom was easy too, not that I had expected it to be anything less, as she has always been very supportive of me. The males that I dated after that were usually thrilled to hear that I was bi (duh) and so I continued merrily on my way for the next 7 years in my bisexual bubble, occasionally having a brief fling here and there with an attractive woman who would appear in my life like Aphrodite.. then much to my ever increasing disappointment would disappear from my life! And if it sounds like I was taking it harder than the average boy-loving bisexual then you would be right.. Only I was still too blind to see it.

It wasn’t until the end of last year, following a traumatic break up that sent me into a 12 step recovery program -watch this space for that particular blog- when I started to face myself in a truly honest way. What I discovered was both surprising and really really! obvious. During my personal inventory of my past relationships with men (of which there have been many) I came to admit that I have never really felt any emotional connection to a man, I have become emotionally attached yes (being the good love addict that I am) I often clung to them out of fear of loneliness or out of boredom, or for the need for attention and affirmation and for other issues regarding my own wounded femininity, and probably some daddy issues too. Mainly though, I think I was over compensating for the one thing I really wanted.. a woman. I have found myself physically and sometimes sexually attracted to men, but always with a sense of dis-ease within me, almost like I was playing a role on stage. The fact that I would try to figure out ways to bring a woman into the picture (open relationships and threesomes being the most common suggestion) should have been a good indicator of my true desires.

When it comes to my attraction to a woman the dis-ease disappears, I feel emotionally connected at a deep level, communication becomes easy and I feel like my authentic self, It is a freedom I have never experienced before in a romantic relationship with a man and although there have been several other contributing factors that have prevented me from coming out until this point in my life I am deeply and profoundly grateful to be here at last.. as someone in the lesbian community once said to me “How thick was that denial?” My answer is that it wasn’t so much a case of denial; I have always known that I am gay on some level or another but the timing hasn’t been right for me to admit it until now. I have first had to get truly comfortable in my own skin and heal some wounds around my own sexuality and femininity before I was able to make the leap. I have learned a lot about myself and the people in my life through this process and I have discovered that there is no such things as a “right” way to come out of the closet, It is a personal journey for everyone and if anything it has shown me just how well I have done by surrounding myself with people who love and accept me unconditionally. But most importantly it has shown me how much I have come to love myself, and because of this there is so much more space within me to love others and that… is priceless.©