A Modest Proposal to Usher in a Brutal Plutocracy in America (March 2012)

Note that “A Modest Proposal” is an extremely satirical piece of literature.

Well. It STILL got quite out of hand. It’s difficult trying to incorporate every dirty tactic from the far-right.

Two years ago, the Supreme Court issued a landmark civil rights case to the magnitude of Brown v. Board of Education: in Citizens United v. FEC, the Court in our great country formally recognized that we, the corporations, are people.

We can now have our own destructive wars, have our mergers recognized as marriages, allow our subsidiaries (offspring) to attain similar prestige, and earn widespread acknowledgement of the plight of unfortunate corporations who have perished under populists from another planet. Corporations throughout the nation celebrated as we threw money in the air and redoubled our civil rights fight in Washington.

However, our fight for unconditional political equality is far from over. For too long, we corporations have been treated as second class citizens. Despite constitutional protections against overt racism, we tend to be demonized for rewarding the successful.

We are consistently suffocated by red tape not present on our cousins overseas. The neo-Nazi Occupy Wall Street movement is conspiring to implement “The Final Solution” for our kind. Large numbers of corporations have fled this country in fear to start a new life in China or Vietnam.

They don’t understand our ways of life, which they incorrectly see as radical. They have busy schedules and are too disgusted to notice our inspiring and persistent political campaign for civil equality, so they are indifferent to the governing needs of our country and cannot make politically informed decisions.

They also don’t realize that we sometimes also need our own dose of help. Not only do we need deregulation to make massive (and some accuse scandalous) profits, but we also require protections from bankruptcy when the bubbles pop, when the economic tides sour.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we must capitalize the gains and socialize the losses to make sure that our employees enjoy the best environment to achieve their full potential. Despite populist talk against the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP), this very governmental regulation is crucial to avoid a wider meltdown in the economy and allow for the welfare of our workers and consumers who enjoy (literally) cheap products and our outsourced and similarly cheap customer service.

The tyranny of the majority must be set aside for a group of technocratic corporations who can make the best decisions for the country and be willing to attract bright corporate immigrants by abolishing the minimum wage and spurring a race to the bottom to slave wages in the name of economic growth. Some may suffer under this new order and fight for their current entitled positions, but not only will our kind prosper, but our wealth will trickle down to the people and empower the vast majority of Americans like never before.

Just look at the example set by meritocratic China! It has attracted our brethren to lift millions out of poverty through economic growth, and the Chinese will soon displace us as the world’s economic superpower. We must pick up the reins of our ailing entitlement-dependent America and show those darn communists that capitalism is still our field of expertise!

A large number of political officials in our government are sympathetic to our cause. We must continue showering these with money and make sure that they trounce those who threaten this new order. Some have tried to stifle our voice with the Fair Elections Now Act (which curbs our speech to an appalling $100 donation limit), and some lunatic named Buddy Roemer is even basing his run for president on campaign finance reform!

Under the tyranny of the majority, the “progressives” (read: communists) have tried to suppress our voice with amendments to regulate campaign finances and voluntary efforts to reject our money. We most show them the true power of speech through money, and scream so loudly that others’ voices are virtually silenced. This would show the people that the founders wished for a democracy “for the people [corporations] and by the people [corporations].”