Such a heavy weight.
So I open Twitter, as you do, and see talks of how poor Drake’s tour artwork is and memes flying around of Clinton & Trumps savagery last night and stumble on a gem that took me back to one of many dark times. I’ve always been a fan of just links posted on to my timeline — No text alluding to what it is, just the url left for curiosity (perfect bit of promo if you ask me). My pal Blaow dropped a video that my curiosity took notice of, which was of Louis C.K. on the Conan show. Though I don’t consciously pay attention to it when ever in conversation, these two guys are somewhat personal G’s of mine. I don’t know them but I feel like they know someone like me and speak to me vicariously in some odd, odd way.
After beginning this string of thoughts, it’s dawned on me that I have work to do so it’s not going to be in much detail but somewhere in watching the video, I realised that it is #WorldMentalHealthDay, which in tern even made me remember I have medium. The video, I’m guessing, was posted because of the day the world thinks it is. I proceed to watch the video and it is of Louis C.K saying that he doesn’t like his kids having cell phones and that it’s okay to be sad sometimes(?). Anyway, it reminds me of a specific time where I wasn’t happy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c This is just context for the heavy weight and if it doesn’t read well Ralph, it’s because you’re rushing to do some work. You’re just typing out loud(?) at this point.
So one of the times I wasn’t happy went like this.
I don’t know about you lot but I am such a tab whore. Bare tabs. Mozilla Firefox open to the brim and with a high percentage of things I’m not going to revisit but I just don’t close. One early morning a year or so ago, I look over to my MacBook, I reach for it, and just go through the tabs, starting with Facebook. I see a video of a Muslim and Jewish girl reciting poetry about what the world thinks of them https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCUz2b050lE, and then I watch a video about a comedian. Completely by chance this was seen next as I didn’t know the contents of it. As I’m typing I know this could be a really NANG story but I’m just trying to get it out before my Uber arrives. The video was of a comedian, to paraphrase, breaking down his pain of choosing between work and his daughter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdBJ1X33rXM. After I watched it I cried. I cried for a good 30 minutes. Something inside me said ‘stop your fucking crying or you’re just going to keep crying. You’re hurt but stop your crying.’ I got out of bed and decided to walk to the gym.
I got to the gym now still thinking of the two videos that got me here and was doing OK for about 10 minutes and then I suddenly broke out crying. No warning to myself or those around me, I was wetting up the place far worse than I was when I was in private. I actually vividly remember mandem looking at me blankly like they too didn’t know what to do until one guy approached and asked me ‘what’s wrong?’ The ‘man’ in me quickly thought that I’m not allowed to just be crying because I’m sad to my core about how my personal, social, financial life was panning out so I made something up.
‘My friend died’. He asked me if I’d be OK by myself and my insides screamed no, but I firmed out loud a yes. This is where it’s mad. He asked me what his name was. He proper didn’t have to and it caught me off guard. I don’t know how my brain worked this one out but I said his name was Kevin.
Perfect timing. Uber is here. I only began to write this to see if I could still write and I didn’t accomplish that.