For the week of 4 November, 2019 This week’s business report is drab, colorless, arid, stodgy, wearisome, humdrum, and belongs in a baker’s left shoe. This week’s business report won’t lighten anything but your wallet, won’t brighten anything but your watchamacallit, and won’t tighten your budget as much as it…

Al Capone English Style Scone Brass Trombone Funeral Home Garden Gnome Testosterone Sylvester Stallone Post Malone Irritable Bowel Syndrome Bologna

Nobody has ever approached me for advice on writing, but if anybody did I’d be more than prepared to dish out the following advice that’s sure to make a writer out of anyone: Master the short form first. The long form second. And Egyptian cuneiform third. Any other way and you’re wet toast hung out to dry.

It’s three in the afternoon. There are sun pools on the sheets — high tide follows high noon, it seems. The constant hum of city life just…

The next great American novel, said my grandfather, will be written by a woman. I don’t disagree. My cousin (whose name escapes me, meaning she must be a second-cousin, or a friend of a cousin, or a friend of a second-cousin) once whispered to me across a dinner table, and…

Stealing the Mona Lisa requires a lot of preparation, which can be taxing on the body and spirit. You deserve a break before you go hooty booty honkers bonkers mad loco! …

You might be a person who shops for riding lawn mowers on the World Wide Web. I have shopped for many things in the World Wide Web…

ME: Hey Sean, how do you plan on breaking your fast this morning? SEAN: Eggs and bacon, rackaticka make ’em, put ’em on a dish and spin-a-lin it flocka talka wake ‘em, sippin’ OJ like Simpson the mistuh sistuh rastafari safari fatter than bladder ding ding dong yeah ME: Oh…

Zoboomafoo A paper sack of plain bagels Cold showers on January mornings Soggy leaves Jim’s broccoli casserole Slipknot concerts Setting flame to your underarm hair Your 8th grade yearbook (page 52) How the beginning of every Akon song ever reminds you of your time in prison Leaky crockpots filled with…