Why Somali pirates shouldn’t bother abducting me

I read a story that 200 Zimbabwean women were trapped in Kuwait, unable to get home. They had gone over there for work, but found themselves in slavery.

Now, the government, we were told, had no money to bring them home. It had to take some shyster to pay for their return.

Reminded me of the time, a few years back, when I was on the coast somewhere in East Africa.

Sat there watching those local fishermen boats and the big ships sail by — wondering about Somali pirates and Captain Philips.

Of course I was far from pirate territory, but I kept wondering what it’d be like if some pirates decided to pick this spot and take me on their boat for ransom.

Thought of Captain Philips, after that pirate told him, “look at me, look at me; I’m the captain now”. Captain Philips had made a call for help before the Maersk Alabama was boarded. Mr I’m-the-Captain-Now was soon on the phone to the Americans, negotiating for cash in exchange for Philips and his sailors. Then they shot him through the head, obviously.

If it was me zvangu mwana wevhu?

Comrades, those pirates would be on the phone to the Zimbabwe government like:

— — -

Somali Pirate: *after like 200 rings* Hello, Zimbabwe government? Yes, this is Amin. Just a regular Somali pirate. Listen, we have a Zimbabwean here. We are holding him hostage.

Zim government: “Please call later. The person in charge has gone out for lunch. He will be back when lunch is over, around 4 O’Clock. Or so.”

Pirate: “What? Did you hear me?”

*phone placed on the desk and ignored as people drink tea and gossip. You know how it is when you phone civil service.*

Pirate: Hello? Anyone there? Hello!

Government: “Ndaaaati vamurikuda havapo. Call back later.”

Pirate: Pay us.

Government. Why

Pirate: Because we have your citizen zve. Tinomugura musoro.” (*Yes. You see, the pirate has been kept on the phone so long he now speaks Shona*)

Government: What was he doing there in the first place? who funded his trip there? He’s from which party? Whose nephew is he? What province is he from? Sabhuku vake ndiani?

— — -

Honestly, the Somali pirates would just hang up, give up and let me go really.

I’d tell those pirates; “comrades, ain’t nobody coming for me, or giving you money. You’re wasting your time.”

That’s why I sat there on that beach that day and chilled. Pirates wouldn’t bother abducting and keeping me, man.

I’m of no value to my government. Zero. So no value to pirates either.