My Apologies, even though Liberals are hypocrites, we still love you (inspired by my Whole Foods Adventure)
I must make a confession. I feel that I’m big enough to “Man Up” (sorry to evoke an anti-PC term. Maybe I should have used that confusing red neck term “Cowboy up”) to a realization that I’ve come to grips over. There are many aspects of liberalism that I am reluctantly happy to embrace. Your grass-fed beef is especially tasty. Goes great with your “Jammy” Sonoma Zinfandel. I love your artisan, wood-fired roasted, flatbreads pizzas. YUUUMM. Taking an 8 person Coleman pup tent into a field to campout for 5 days and watch 30 musical acts perform sets of 20 minute musical masturbation noodling can even be quite enjoyable too. I’ve spent many an afternoon in a dusty record store, thumbing through stacks of albums in a quest for that perfect classic vinyl album that will pop and crack in all of its high fidelity glory. It is my “Mecca”! Even your “college favorite” comedian, that occasionally stars on your liberal “Funny or Die” type sketch comedy show, is also hilarious. They’ll poke fun at us and our values, but I can look past that because we all should be able to make fun of ourselves! Even your organic Mac and Cheese is to die for.
But your governmental policies and lifestyle choices are horrid. Your ideology fails every time it’s attempted. Yet you continue vilify capitalism, which has worked every time it’s been tried. You camp out in front of the Halliburton office building in protest of capitalism, not ever realizing that you actively engage in Capitalism daily. Consumed with your iPhones and iPads, which allow you to post anti capitalism rhetoric on your Facebook and Twitter accounts, the hypocrisy is thick in your world. Every time you sell a grilled cheese or nitrous balloon at a Phish concert, you engage in capitalism. Each time you meticulously weigh out your illegal stash of Northern Lights to maximize it for the most cash from the stoner kid dropping by your “flat”, you’re engaging in capitalism. That favorite coffee shop with the local art for sale on the wall (capitalism in action alert!) that sells that tasteless soy bean vegan burger…that’s called capitalism. Your favorite hardcore punk group (signed to a capitalist label like a Sony or an Atlantic Records) engages in capitalism through selling “merch” along with the tickets to their show. All while their lyrics scream against such actions, they continue to reside within a hypocritical dilemma on a daily basis. This happens while still involving capitalism in their lives as a “necessary evil” just to survive.
You’ve even inadvertently CREATED a market inside capitalism!!!! You’ve met the need for those who don’t want to consume any edible item that HAS A FACE (Veganism)!!! Congratulations! Thanks for joining us in this glorious, “Adam Smith Hidden Hand” economy! Yes, government may have created that scenic, mountain bike trail that you so long to traverse in the wee sunrise hours of the frosty AM. But that paper thin bike that swallows your behind like a whale sucking up mounds of krill, that was built by capitalism! The skin tight shorts that are painted on, with the bike shirt that has the loud emblems which make you look like the NASCAR driver of biking? That was capitalism as well. In fact, you’ve effectively have become a walking, hypocritical billboard for the company that made your skin tight biking digs. The necessary evil…is capitalism. It’s necessary because it works (it IS a perfect system). It’s only evil because we, as imperfect sinful beings, corrupt it and turn it evil. Reason NUMBER ONE that conservatives, like myself, put a heavy focus on morality and faith. This allows you to be a free individual that can actual function in public. Go ahead and accept the need for Capitalism. I’ve accepted the need for your contributions! Or, you could return to foot juggling your Hacky Sack while you sit back and allow those “great, brilliant minds” of our “spotless and clean” government officials to take care of you and everything else. That should work out swimmingly.