Past and present

In 2010, I was a very bright eyed sixteen and I had a YouTube channel. I would experiment with talking in front of a camera for hours looking up debates and trends to discuss for views. Nobody I knew in person was aware and I could emulate confidence while searching for the next great cause. Later that year, I reached my greatest achievement which was 789 views. I nearly lost my mind at the possibility that could’ve been on the verge of being famous a very premature foolishness. In the grand scheme of online video, these views though interesting were lost upon regulars averaging 1k and way beyond. Post production of my video I briefly returned to research before the reality of scale came clear. I remember hearing my ego and motivation deflate, messy lyric videos to songs were more famous. The sobering truth led to infrequent shots at pushing the long winded project to relevance in the beginning. Each attempt reaching lower rating, and even more cringeworthy embarrassment than the last. The videos started to bring about anxiety tremors, and fear of ridicule until they ceased.

My last video in October 2013 spoke of an attempt to revive creating content in a new channel. “State Of Mind” An idea coopted by my case manager, was aimed to be a video diary of my experience while attending trauma group meetings. This channel was created, but though promising was quickly shelved indefinitely.

I lost a lot of vision and faith in my abilities as well as myself. The pressure of constantly weighing things that could go wrong terrified me. I still use YouTube as a viewer several times a week watching content. Everything I care about from cars to firearms to global politics and back at my permanent disposal.

Do you regret giving up?

Every click of every new video, I want to pick up a camera and blab for four minutes. The feeling like many others I have never goes away, but I’m not a fan of nagging feelings.

What does that mean?

Guess who just perked themselves enough to work on some scripts and blow dust off my account?

See you soon -