Active Listening? Try Actual Listening
Replace tools and tricks with actually paying attention
With all the information available to our vision, it is easy to give minimal attention to other senses. Our eyes are doing the lion’s share of receiving and processing information. Photography, TV, graphic arts, and now things have gotten more extreme with the internet and social media. Listening has been taking quite a bit of a hit as a result. As our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter, most of us are forgetting how to truly listen.
With e-mail, and now with text messages over Whatsapp, Instagram, or Snapchat, we have to deal with less face-to-face communication. It brings some comfort and ease of communicating, sure. But it also reduces the overall amount of conversation, and by extension, listening that we are having. And of course, with less practice, worse is the skill.
Also, we are no longer feeling the need to listen as carefully. Why bother? The speech is recorded now. First in writing, now in audio. If you missed a part of a podcast or an audiobook, you can always rewind and listen again. We are becoming lazy listeners.
But, where there is a need, there is a way, they say. Or in this case, there are apparently a thousand ways. A whole industry has grown from the keen awareness we have of the weakened listening skills. Trainings, courses, instructionals, you name it. The flagship concept here is active listening where you make a conscious effort to hear what the other person is trying to convey. The term was coined in 1957, by two American psychologists, Carl Rogers and Richard Farson. Their focus was on listening in the context of psychotherapy and in that context, the listener’s role is to participate in the conversation to help the speakers work out their issues. But in the context of our everyday lives, it is a bit of a strange phrase. Listening, I mean really listening, never feels like a passive activity. Being active is kind of implied.
The specific techniques that constitute active listening are meant to keep your attention on what is being said, the body language, and the underlying message. You must have seen people who make eye contact, actively nod and make sounds (uh huh, yes) to show that they are interested, recap and repeat what you say, ask an occasional question — all of which are the techniques often recommended in training on listening skills. This is all well and good, but how many times have you felt that despite all of the external signs of such listening, the person was not actually listening to you?
Listening, when done well, is giving. You are giving your full attention. You are giving your time. As such, it is oddly pragmatic to actually listen, rather than just go through the motions of the active listening techniques. You will hear more, learn more, and retain more.
If you really listen, people will notice. If that is not your normal way of communicating, you will notice the difference. People will open up to you more. You will have fewer conflicts. Fewer misunderstandings. If you listen, not just to people, but to the world around you, you will enrich your life, and even improve your health and well-being.
The benefits are clear. So how do we do that? I have to admit, I am far from being an expert in listening. If anything, that is one thing I need to work on. A lot. But recognizing a shortcoming is half the work, no? Let’s see.
- Don’t overthink the techniques and actually listen. If you are really in the zone, if you are truly paying attention, you will nod naturally. You will lean in. Your eyes, your posture, and your breathing will send clear messages that you are listening. Focus on paying attention. The nonverbal cues are only helpful if they come naturally. Focus on what the person in front of you is trying to convey.
- Make an effort to discard the distractions. Rather than effortful listening, make an effort to remove whatever is reducing your attention on what is being said. Put your phone away, preferably somewhere where you cannot just reach and get it. Don’t take too many notes, perhaps focus only on the action you need to take about the conversation. Make it clear to people that you are busy. For example, at my work, my office door is usually open. When it is closed, people typically get the signal that I do not want to be disturbed. I also keep some of the window blinds open so people looking in can see there is someone I am talking to. That said, it helps facing away from the corridor, people passing by or looking in can be another distraction.
- Do not multitask. Seriously. DO NOT MULTITASK. There is a mountain of research on it by now. It does not work.
- Don’t overthink judging. Focus on empathy. Foregoing judgments is typical advice given. I don’t know if that is even possible. There are so many biases that we carry, often without being aware of them, that I feel a judgment is always there even if we genuinely believe we are checking it. So rather than fooling yourself, focus on empathy.
- Hold off from responding immediately. Take a second. Two. Three. Ten. Silence is ok. Let the speaker add something they may be hesitating to say. Give yourself a few seconds to think about the conversation.
- Listen with, not for. Listen not for an objective, such as disproving a point or pushing your agenda. Try to learn. Listen with interest. Try to understand. Even if you disagree, try to understand the speaker’s perspective.
All this is easier said than done. But we can get better with practice.
And of course, listening goes beyond the context of a conversation. There is so much that is always happening around us that we are blocking out or ignoring. To improve your ability to concentrate while listening in general, here are a few things worth considering:
- Practice silence. Try closing your eyes and just taking the sounds in.
- Try meditating. Meditation is not limited to focusing on breathing or a specific object. You can focus on a sound — real or imagined.
- Spend time in nature. Listen to the natural sounds. Of wind. Water. Animals. Birds.
- Listen to classical music. Because it is amazing. Not to mention a plethora of health benefits.
- Learn to sing, or play a musical instrument. This is a proven way to improve your listening skills.
- Finally, minimize the use of social media. Have mercy on your brain. Whatever benefit you might be getting from social media, its negative effects are so shockingly pervasive that it is simply not worth it.
From time to time, check how you are doing. Do people around you think you are a good listener?
