Alone, not Lonely

Why Solitude Can be Good for You

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Since 2006, I have traveled, lived, and worked in the countries of the Middle East and Africa. The life of an expatriate can be quite lonely. Over the years, I have spent a lot of time alone, sure. But alone does not equal lonely. There is a difference.

You can be alone and feel fulfilled, happy, and engaged in meaningful activities. And no, this does not automatically make you anti-social. You are just comfortable when no one is around. You use this time and space to grow, to do good.

BEING ALONE IS SOMETHING WE CHOOSE. IT IS PHYSICAL ISOLATION.

At the same time, you can be surrounded by people and yet feel lonely, isolated, friendless, disconnected, sad, and even depressed.

BEING LONELY IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO US. IT IS SOCIAL ISOLATION.

Over the last decade, the internet and social media have introduced the illusory feeling of connection into our lives. The promise of the online connection, on top of the existing relationships and communities, sounded amazing. I remember Facebook’s stated purpose was to bring people together and build a community, or something to that end. We won’t be alone anymore. Rejoice. Yet I could not help but notice that somehow more and more people around me were feeling lonelier than before.

Then, in 2020, the pandemic brought actual, physical isolation back into our lives. It was quite a change and understandably, a lot of people had trouble adjusting. Most of us simply did not know what to do with all that alone time. But alone time can be and should be put to good use.

There are many famous examples — from well-known cases of long incarceration, such as Nelson Mandela (president of South Africa, who spent 27 years in prison), Rubin “Hurricane” Carter (professional boxer, who spent 20 years in prison) or Malcolm X (human rights activist and a prominent figure of the civil rights movement, who spent over 6 years in prison), to those who choose isolation to create, such as Henry David Thoreau (the author of Walden), Vincent van Gogh, Nicola Tesla, Frida Kahlo, and many others. Pablo Picasso famously said: “Without great solitude, no serious work is possible”. On this, I strongly recommend you read Cal Newport’s excellent book Deep Work (my takeaways here).

“Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.” ― Marcus Aurelius

Regardless of whether we are forced into solitude — a prison might be an extreme example, but forced lockdowns are something we are all, by now, familiar with — or whether we choose to isolate, as long as we have a purpose, we can avoid being lonely. Here are some things you can do, to maximize your time alone:

1. Embrace solitude. See the positive in it. Learn to appreciate the time and space you have for yourself. A change, a break from your normal routine, events, places, and people, is not a bad thing. Look at it as an opportunity. To recharge, to rest, to reflect.
2. Don’t catastrophize (read my related article here), particularly if you have been forced into solitude. Describe your predicament in specific terms, and then think of how you can take advantage of the situation to move forward. Read Ryan Holiday’s excellent book The Obstacle is The Way (my takeaways here). Try to get perspective. Read Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (my takeaways here).
3. Start with the simple things. Keep your place clean. Make your bed. Do the most obvious errands — laundry, cleaning, organizing, de-clutter. Think of a simple morning routine.
4. Introduce an activity you can practice regularly and get progressively better at. Read my article Hobby 2.0. Sometimes the solitude is a result of losing someone close — a spouse, a partner, or a friend. One of the key factors that aggravate the situation in such cases is that we are not only missing the person, but also the activities we are used to doing together. Add a new activity to your life.
5. Learn. This continues from the previous point. Start learning a language. Learn how to play chess. Learn to play a musical instrument. Learn dancing. Learning can be a lot of fun. Steady improvement in something you are learning is also a great boost to self-esteem and one of the ways to counteract loneliness and depression.
6. Exercise. This one is a must. Physical activity, whatever it is that you do from walking to martial arts training (granted, you need other human beings to practice martial arts), should not be neglected. Aim to do some physical activity as often as possible, preferably daily. Exercise is the number one mechanism to improve mood and reduce anxiety.
7. Spend some time in nature. Nature is one of the prime go-tos to help mental health. It has a way of calming down our anxieties. Walk by trees. Touch, and smell flowers. Pet a stray cat. Or a dog. Get some sunlight in the morning (Andrew Huberman has convinced me, check out his YouTube videos, I am sure he will convince you too).
8. Read. Classics. Quality non-fiction. Read to learn, to grow, to mature. I recommend reading serious material — see my article Why Read Russian Literature for example. Then again, sometimes we are in the mood for much lighter stuff. Confession — I have read all four Twilight books (non-spoiler — they are significantly better than the movies). If you are still not sure about why, how (we think we know, but we can improve, trust me), or what to read, check out my article here, it includes book recommendations and some great additional resources.
9. Take over the space around you. This can be a lot of fun. If you are into cooking, cook something using the entire kitchen. Start a project and lay out all your materials across your space. Your tools, your documents, whatever it is. Leave it all there to continue the next day.
10. Take stock of your life. Evaluate where you are. The good things and the bad. Things you are proud of and things you want to improve. Make plans about where you want to be going. Think of the things you always wanted to do, but never got to — make a list of these things, pick one and commit to doing it in the next 12 months. Introduce new methods and tools of planning and productivity. It can be as simple as buying a new notebook or a bunch of new stationery.
11. Watch what you consume. If you are alone and want to avoid spiraling into negativity, it pays to stay away from the news and social media (except for kitten videos). Read Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism.
12. Just rest. If you are simply exhausted, take some time off. But resting means more than just not doing anything. Check out my article Rest Comprehensively.

If you can go out:

13. Give yourself a treat. A massage. A spa. A meal at an excellent restaurant. By giving yourself a treat, I do not mean falling into bad habits. Having a glass of fine wine, by all means. A cocktail of your choice, sure why not. Getting wasted day after day, however, is a bad idea. I am focusing on things that will make you feel better here, not the things that will perpetuate the negativity.

14. Go out. Walk, hang out, explore, and shop. Try to identify your favorite spots. I live in Türkiye and my happy spot is the Arkadas bookstore in Ankara. Note that I love spending time there regardless of whether I am alone or with someone else. This is not my escape place. Just somewhere I am happy to be.

The list goes on. You can journal, play video games (watch it though, it is easy to get addicted), and engage in creative activity — draw, sing, write, teach. Volunteer, and engage in activity that helps others. There is so much you can choose from! Watch out for the negative inner voice. Sometimes the most ruthless takedown is the one that happens inside your head. and the voice is at its loudest when we are alone. But as long as you are doing something with your alone time, as long as you are moving forward, it is easier to handle this.

Finally, as much as you are enjoying your alone time, however comfortable you become with solitude, do not use that as a reason to reject being with other people. Do not isolate yourself on purpose.

Incidentally, I am writing this article while traveling for work, away from family and friends. An evening in a hotel room. A bit of reading, a bit of exercise, a bit of writing. I am alone, but not lonely.