Cultivate and Practice Generosity
Seek Opportunities for Giving and Act on Them Immediately
Once, when I was a little child, maybe six or seven years old, my father and I walked along the beautiful Baku seaside promenade. He bought me ice cream, I got my share of carousel rides, and I observed him pay for things and services as the day went on. After a few hours, as we were walking back to our car, we passed by a beggar, sitting on the side of the street. My father stopped, pulled some cash from his pocket, and gave money to the man. Many years later, he told me how I stunned him at that moment with a question. I asked: “how come every time earlier today when you paid money for something, we always received something in return, but this time we did not?” My father smiled, did not say anything and we kept walking. We got into the car and then my father said: “What I received this time, you cannot see. But it is real.” I was very confused by this response. But such was my father’s authority that I nodded and just took him at his word.
Something you cannot see. But it is real.
I am much older now than my father was at that time. And I think I understand what he meant. My father was a generous man. And his generosity was somewhat flashy, swift, and impressive. He would often act on an impulse, without overthinking it. If he thought some act of generosity was called for, he did not sit on it too much. He did not overthink the consequences of his generosity, whether it was appreciated, or not, whether he was thanked or not. I always admired that although for a long time, I could not articulate very well what was exactly about this trait of his that I liked so much.
Generosity is a trait that is traditionally lauded in pretty much every human society. Religions and ideologies emphasize the importance of altruism, caring, and helping others. The most straightforward example is Buddhism, where generosity is one of the foundations of spirituality and where generosity is considered a practice, not a one-time action. Islam and Christianity also support and welcome charitable action and highlight it as the essential component of faith. Non-religious societies are no different in encouraging giving and helping other human beings.
Joseph Goldstein, a meditation coach referred to in Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks, recommends cultivating instantaneous generosity — acting as an opportunity arises, and then going beyond that — actively seeking such opportunities where one can act generously on an impulse. Goldstein recommends acting immediately, as soon as the thought occurs.
There is a reason why the recommendation is to act on such an impulse immediately. Remember a time when you could leave a thank you note, but you thought — no, I will do a more thoughtful message. I will do it properly. Just not now. Now I don’t have time. You postpone, then postpone again, never really getting to it and the opportunity is lost.
An act of generosity does not have to be complicated. It could be something as simple as giving someone money, but also giving time, attention, and energy. It could be a smile, a kind word, a handwritten thank you note, or a compliment. It could be checking on a sick person, cooking for someone, offering encouragement, or simply listening.
We have all done it. Maybe not as much as we should. But we have. Now try remembering how you felt during such an act. And right after that. I am guessing, at least most of the time, it felt good. A sense of delight. Positivity. When you hear — thank you. Or see a surprised smile. A nod. A handshake. When your generosity serves as a gentle push, the timely support to help someone address a problem, however small. Or maybe get over a hurdle, and move towards an objective.
It is a curious thing, really. Why is it that giving can make us feel happier? In today’s world, the emphasis seems to be on getting, rather than giving. We forget that life is, indeed, very short. That all that we own, all that we get, we only hold for a limited amount of time. Giving can make you feel less attached to the things you have. Clinging to things becomes less of an issue when you get used to letting go. It might just help you shift your focus to the things that are truly important in life.
It is interesting to observe how we feel during and after the act of generosity. What thoughts come to you? You might be surprised at how judgemental you can be. You may be shocked at the rationalizations you make to yourself not to engage in a generous act.
It is also interesting to try to understand your motivations. What do you expect in return? What reaction would give you satisfaction? Gratitude? Are you comfortable doing the act if there will be no acknowledgment or gratitude? How differently would you feel in each one of these scenarios? Why? In principle, the act is what matters. The recipient might not care about your motivations. But for you, if you act generously for an internal reward, it is a more stable place to be than when you do it for external recognition, which you have no control over and can be much less fulfilling.
I prefer not to have any expectations. If I chose to act, it is because I believe at that moment, it is the right thing to do. How things will play out after that, is typically not up to me.
A good friend of mine once said that he was not sure how to repay me for something I had done for him. I said, well, there are two things you can do. First, be excellent. Second, when the time comes, help someone else. I like the idea that generosity, and kindness, can go around in ripples. Like in the movie, Pay It Forward.
In Stoic philosophy, there is a concept of sympatheia — the idea that all things are mutually woven together and interconnected. This interconnectedness, the idea that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, should inspire us to be good to one another and move past our selfish considerations.
In one of my earlier articles on Medium, Two Rules You Need in Your Life, I outline my two rules for everyday decision-making. The first one is to elevate ourselves— to grow, learn, to improve physically, intellectually, and spiritually. The second rule is about doing things that elevate the world around us — helping someone, fixing a problem, or making something better. The thing about generosity is that the same act allows us to do both — it makes us better while helping someone else.
It is no wonder that generosity is known to contribute to happiness. The giver experiences clear emotional benefits such as enhanced meaning and purpose in life, a distraction from personal problems, anxiety, or self-preoccupation. The Hedonic Paradox is the notion that if you pursue happiness or pleasure for yourself only, you are bound to fail. But if you pursue goals, including goals that involve the well-being of others, happiness happens as a side-effect. Happiness is not a goal. It is the result of the things you do. Things bigger than yourself.
A hedonist pursues happiness by getting the thing that they want — clothes, a car, food, sex, and so on. But the pleasure obtained is fleeting. There is no choice other than pursuing the next buy, the next fling, and so on, never really achieving happiness or life satisfaction. Helping others, however, helps generate longer-term happiness.
So, look around. Look around your life, your typical day. What opportunities do you have for showing generosity? Is it something you can act on? Spontaneously? What act of generosity could you do to enrich your life and the life of someone else, and bring a little more meaning to your life while making the world around you just a little better?
