The Day She Died
July 15th 2021 is The Day my World Crashed
I am a widower and it has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life. Nobody will understand how it feels to lose a spouse until they have lost a spouse. My wife of 26 years died at the age of 46 on July 15, 2021. I was 49 and recently turned 50. The picture above is from several years back during a time my wife still had more good days than bad days. She had been suffering various illnesses and health issues over the past 13 years. Her past couple years have been particularly difficult for her. Even though she has been plagued from illness there was nothing that threatened to kill her at the time of her death that we were aware. We even had COVID just after Christmas of 2020. Based on all statistics I have heard about COVID, she should have died from, but she fully recovered. The entire family had COVID. Besides my wife and I, three children, one daughter in law, and a grand daughter. We all made full recoveries. Despite beating COVID she would die of natural causes on July 15th.
My two daughters and oldest daughter’s boyfriend were planning a camping trip to the upper peninsula of Michigan for the week of July 18th. My wife was not going with us. She did not like camping in a tent and seldom left the house for reasons stemming from her health concerns. I work as an engineer on 3rd shift in an assembly plant. My wife would often have difficulty sleeping, so it was not uncommon for us to exchange text messages in the middle of the night. In the early hours of July 15th we had exchanged some messages. I no longer recall messages’ subject other than she had asked me what day we were leaving on our trip. She had memory problems and would often forget. The last message I recall sending was just after 6am. I left work about my normal time at 7:30am.
I arrived home just before 8am some time. My oldest daughter and wife were the only two home, because my youngest was in Chicago with my parents. We live in a Bi-level single family home. So as I go in the front door I look up the stairs to the main floor and our bedroom door is open, which is not uncommon. I walk up and see my wife lying face first on the bedroom floor right next to her side of the bed, with her head in the space between the night stand and the bed. She appeared to be sleeping. I went to her side with the intention to roll her over and wake her up so I could help her get into bed. When I rolled her over her face had a purple color and I knew she was dead. I desperately felt for a pulse, but could not find one. I frantically called 911. The man on the other end of the line walked me through CPR. A police officer arrived and took over. Quickly after arrived EMS, as well as more police and fire fighters. I was interviewed by officers. They moved me outside, while they worked.
I realized my 20 year old daughter was asleep in her bed and I ran in to wake her up. I tearfully told her the situation and we sat in disbelief. We then decided to pray the Rosary. A few minutes after we finished the rosary the EMS came to us as we were sitting on my daughter’s bed and told us she was sorry, but they were unable to save my wife. We were devastated. I lost it and cried uncontrollably. After some crying I called my parents who had my daughter and told them the terrible news. I could hardly talk to my Dad and I also talked to my mom. After hanging up they immediately started home from Chicago. Next I called my 24 year old son. He was on vacation with his wife, daughter, and in laws. That conversation was also very difficult and tearful. They too, immediately headed home. The corner came and declared her dead of natural causes. The funeral home came and took her body. Even now it all feels so unreal.
The past 19 weeks I have endured have been nothing short of my worst weeks of my life. I feel as if I was torn in half. The loneliness I have experienced has been devastating to endure. Sadness has been a constant companion. I often cried in the first few weeks. The last several weeks I have not cried, but the feeling of loss has been just as real and difficult to handle. Thanksgiving weekend was a new wave of grief. I broke down a few times during the day. I spent a couple hours looking at pictures over the weekend. Pictures are something that bring me joy, but also a great sadness. It still feels like a nightmare that is not real. I miss her so much. The pain of losing her and the loneliness are so hard to endure. It truly is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it was something I could have never understood until it happened to me. It is so painful I would never wish this on anyone and I certainly am glad I am taking this pain instead of my wife. The pain is not something I would ever want her to experience. There are many people suffering as I do and I have talked to a few on line through a Reddit widower group. Regardless of the age of the spouses, the loss of a spouse is never easy.