To My Sweetheart
Yes you... No not you reading this right now. You. Her. The One. My sweetheart.
Where are you from? What is your name? Do you like to dance? What do you think about noodles? Do you like spoilers in a movie or do you not? What are your favorite verses of the bible? Who’s your favorite author? Are your siblings mean? Or are you an only child? What do you think about snow? How often do you have Déjà vu?
I don’t know if we’ve ever met yet, maybe we have. On the street, in the mall, at the cinema probably in the same public bus, or in the same school.
But I haven’t caught a glimpse of your smile yet. I’m sure. Cause if I have… deep down… I’d know it’s you. I’ve tried to find you many times. I’ve failed.
I miss you everyday. But the Lord says I should be patient.
I ask myself if I’m ready to meet you, at this point in my life my answer is no. I’m too flawed. I don’t want to scare you away. I still battle with the purpose of God in my life, I’m still selfish and self absorbed sometimes, I still don’t know how to manage my finances properly. I’m still growing.
I ask myself if I want to meet you… my answer is Yes. Oh God, yes.
I’m still rough, so very rough, but I want to share my life with you; my experiences, my lessons, my failures. I want to learn from you I want to grow with you. I miss you dearly.
There’s a void in me…
In the moments when I feel alone, I think about you. I think about your voice. i think about your eyes. I think about your smile. I think about your soul.
How can another part of me be so far… yet so close?
The Lord comforts me, He says I should wait. I can’t see the logic. Never have with God. But I wait still.
I want to tell you everything… about how I’ve been feeling a bit lost recently… You don’t know it yet but i used to be a radical. I used to chase my dreams and convictions damning all the consequences. I’ve been a bit too cautious lately. A bit too laid back. Maybe with you, I wouldn’t be.
I’m eating a bit too much and not getting enough exercise as I should, you already motivate me to live better and healthier, but maybe if you were here the motivation would last more than a week, like it usually does.
My soul yearns for connection. Every time I find myself in that funny incident or hear warm words from the Lord or read a poem that inclines to my soul, I look up to try and share it with you. But you’re not here.
Where are you?
Sometimes I picture you in a bus, at a corner, with your favorite novel. Other times I picture you with your eyes closed in worship at church. Most times i picture you, with your smile… Yes i know it. I recognize it. I have an inkling to it.
I want to know how you look… but I like surprises.
You may be going through a lot right now, and I wish I was there to share your pains with you, to share your insecurities with you, to share your life with you. I want to hear your stories, I want to see your perspective. I want to laugh at your jokes. I want to complete your sentences.
I hope you recognize me when you see me.
I want to hear your goals, I want to hear your aspirations, I want to hear your prayers. Sometimes I feel when God pushes me to listen to this or read that, I feel it’s you.. your prayers… I feel God molding me… For you.
You inspire me to be more. To do more. To grow more
It’s scary. I love the Lord. But obedience is so hard. Day by day, He teaches me that obedience is by His spirit. I hope you’re learning that too. I’m scared that if I don’t become the man he wants me to be, I may not be worthy of you… my own soul… I may lose you… Have i already?
I hope not…
To God I hope not.