How to Lose Friends and Influence of People

The true story of what happens when a sewing circle fucks an echo chamber

Ray Kooyenga
Jul 10, 2017 · 4 min read

DISCLAIMER: The story you are about to read is true. Names have been omitted, changed, left implied to protect the tragically stupid. The innocent appear abbreviated.

C’mon we’ve all been here right? Seriously, how do you tell if somebody’s not what they seem? I mean you know them well enough but there’s something you’ve always been missing. It eats at you, you just gotta figure it out. How can you know if they’re secretly running shady side businesses maybe with cash embezzled from you? How can you find today’s weather forecast where they live? Well put on that Sherlock hat, grab a pipe stuff it with weed, and I’ll show ya the way!

You could ask someone in Russia, Ukraine, or Georgia! (looking at you LJ, nothin’ but love always man). Always start there 1st, because they know what its going to be like in Baja, Mexico before anyone (on account of time zones and shit). You could guess, you could call the criminally insane for advice, or someone else the person hasn’t seen in a year, you could google them, or watch their girlfriends Facebook and Ctrl+f for instances of the word karaoke, you could do all of those things. Don’t be afraid to mix and mash these either.

“It’s gold Jerry, gold!”

“It’s gold Jerry, gold!”

Why you could even guess, then have one of these other parties guess, then tell each other what you think without admitting its a guess and then each of you with this new reach-around, multi-tiered, heap of horseshit, go and fill everyone else’s head and start an orgy yeah, double your pleasure double your fun with this new and improved, double-stuff delusion.

You could then make a new conclusion based on this retarded nonsense forget that half the shit you think you know is only because you made it up and didn’t recognize the echo back cheering you on, like a certain politician we know, not recognizing the taste of your own shit fed back to you.

Hell use it as the proof you were right and think you are winning when you aren’t.

Oh yeah 99% chance you’re right dude! Hey, take the rest of the day off this ones in the bag.

Hey if any of it doesn’t work out right you’re still the victim don’t you see? So get mad, grrrr! Long live fake news you crazy fuck.

That’s right Prince, Let’s Go Crazy with it!

Now based on your own paranoid BS hang the person who’s loyally been by your side and refused to even say a cross word lest he complicate reconciliation and other relationships. Even while he knows you are doing precisely what you are, watching in awe and horror, trying not to cry, and quite thoroughly confused.

I don’t know why people, self proclaimed ‘movers of mountains’ least of all, would ever do something so obviously stupid. I just know how to swing on the rope, noose tied literally by all of the above. Not my favorite game hangman, its my partner’s and so far he’s got everyone playing. It’s like reliving my parents divorce in augmented reality, cool!

What did you bring me my dear friends to keep me from the gallows pole?

I’m just swinging here waiting (indeed it is a ‘chocolate watchband’ nod) to see if my batting avg for friends’ loyalty, faith, even intelligence is as close to perfect zero, as it seems. I bet it rivals only the dismal odds of convincing anyone not involved any of this could ever truly be possible, and that I am not utterly insane.

I know, I too am in a perpetual state of utter disbelief.

I even thought to have my head examined its so goddamn nuts. Thank god logic and reason saved me on that one. At least I’m blessed with something useful besides a bigger cock.

Bright side though luv, I do fancy the symmetry of maintaining perfect scores.

and people wonder why I don’t fancy social media much… #PerfectFail #FPlus

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