Dear H. Nemesis Nyx ,
I’m having trouble writing this, but I want to get it out to you now. I’ve read so much of what you’ve written that I trust you when you let me know you got this. I don’t think you’re communicating to this guy in a wrong way. I agree with you about white people talking to other white people about racism and it being a good way to work on the problems. Any way that doesn’t hurt you and isn’t too much for you, works for me because of my trust in you and your instincts.
I burst into tears when I read your response, and I still can’t stop crying. I’ve felt so down for the last few days and I’ve been having ‘look at me, don’t look at me’ feelings, and not wanting to go outside. Everything’s been hurting more lately and that Twilight Zone feeling feels like sandpaper in my head. I know how smart you are and that you know what’s what, and I should know you don’t need me to point out the obvious to you about that guy. And on top of that, I should have realized that I hadn’t read all of the communications between you two. But as my crying let up enough so I could think and begin to write this, I realized that what I want is something I’m not entitled to, and the inner baby I wrote about last week is crying harder now because I know I’ve just figured out something embarrassing. I’m upset because you’re talking to this guy at all in a nice way. And I know he’s not horrible all the time, and so why shouldn’t you talk to him, and he may not be capable of learning, but if you don’t talk to him how would you know? But my inner baby wants you to stop talking to the awful hurtful guy or to tear him a new one like I’ve seen you do to deserving assholes before. I’m only telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. This is the explanation I just realized for why I’m so upset. I’m feeling like all the racist crap written on Medium and so much oppressive wtf coming from the government is hitting too hard in my mind today and making everything feel like too much.
I need to deal with myself and calm the baby part of me down and put it back to sleep. I know that feelings just happen, and it’s how we deal with them that’s in our control. So now that I get what’s going on inside me, please know that I know it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with me needing something you can’t give. I need to figure out how to soothe myself.
I stopped writing when my daughter came home, and she talked me down a bit when she saw me crying. Thanks for responding to me the way you did. You helped me figure some things out on a really bad day. Much love to you. ❤️❤️❤️
