An Open Letter To My CEO
talia jane

Dear Talia Jane

On behalf of billionaires everywhere, I would like to give you my most sincere, heartfelt apology. Had we known in advance about your troubled financial state, we would have promoted you to a position worthy of your intellect which could support your lifestyle. And…

…nah, I can’t even write this in jest. It’s just too ridiculous.

Let me clue you in sweetie- most people who make 20k a year and are struggling do not treat themselves to eggs Benedict and Ghiradelli sundaes on their day off. They don’t buy Kombucha, pork sliders and poutine. They don’t live alone. They eat beans and rice or mac and cheese everyday. They live in an apartment, sometimes in a room, with multiple other people. They scrimp and save. They bust their ass at work. They do the best they can so the next year they can make $25k a year. And the next year a little more and a little more.

You can’t do your freelance gig because you’re too stressed? That’s too bad sugar pie. You’re certainly the first person in the history of the world to have to work more than one job so I totally understand if it’s too much for you to bear. I’d give you a cross, but you already nailed yourself to it.

You have champagne tastes but a Budweiser degree and a moonshine attitude. You hurt the cause of underpaid, truly poor and disadvantaged people while providing all the uber-capitalists ammo to justify why paying people minimum wage is totally acceptable.

My fellow oligarchs and I thank you.

You are not only completely entitled, you’re just not that smart. You probably weren’t competent enough to succeed in a 20k/year job. Care to try for 15k/year part time?

You based important lased life decisions on being close to dad and nice weather? Gee, that’s swell.

English Literature? Well that’s marketable. Struggling is what you do when you graduate college with a degree in English Lit. But basic economics shouldn’t apply to you.

One reason I got to be a billionaire? I didn’t major in English Literature and actually took a few math classes. Oh, and I know how to Google. And if you type in in ‘affordable rent to income ratio’ or anything like that, you’ll find out that paying 80% of your income in rent isn’t sustainable.

How? When? Why did you think you could survive on $1466 a month when your rent is $1245 a month? You pay $226 a month just to ride the train to work. Did you not bother to add these up before you accepted the position?

Or did you think you’d be promoted immediately? Perhaps after your natural inherent brilliance was recognized once you started telling management how to save money by getting rid of all the free food you seem to require to survive? Hmm.

So classes in Googling and basic arithmetic for all new employees. Check and check.

You’ve also taught me the problem with providing great health insurance is that then employees will actually want to use it. So terrible of us. You probably got leave also. Days off with nothing to do except be forced to spend money you don’t have. Just awful.

No free snacks on weekends? Oh, the suffering!

Let me guess that your credit card keeps getting declined because, um, you ran up a bunch of debt on it. Again, a little Googling and basic math would have told you that credit card debt is the worst form of debt. But you have Bourbon, coffee exfoliating masks and Diet Cokes to buy.

Marcus at CVS doesn’t make any more than you. He’s just smarter than you and knows how to manage his life. Please let me know which CVS he works at so I can hire him to do your old job.

Let’s tune out this selfish, lazy brat and read stories about actual hard-working people trying to make ends meet on minimum wage.