Colin Kaepernick: “I had to poop”
SAN FRANCISCO — San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has sat it out during the national anthem, thrusting much of the nation into a heated debate centered on respect and first amendment rights.
It all began when Kaepernick declined to stand for the national anthem before a preseason game with the Chargers.
Kaepernick said he was trying to avoid a mess rather than send a message.
“I had to poop,” Kaepernick said. “Plain and simple. It came on like a monsoon. Had I stood up at that moment, things were going to get nasty right quick.”
Kaepernick said photographs of him sitting as the national anthem began reveal he was a man in pain.
“Human beings tend to relieve our bowels while seated at a 45-degree angle,” Kaepernick. “That particular position provides dual benefits. First, it sets the course for a smoother fecal discharge. Second, it also offers the person on the toilet a greater degree of control.”
“My key issue was about bowel control,” Kaepernick continued. “I sat at a 45-degree angle with my arms around my stomach. This enabled me to hold my poop and thereby hold my peace. Had I stood up for the national anthem, I would have passed more than just gas.”
A teammate who agreed to speak under anonymity confirmed Kaepernick’s assertions.
“Colin was belting out farts left and right,” his teammate said. “He was obviously embarrassed, trying to hold it in. We’ve all been there. In a crowd. At a checkout line. Standing in church. Trapped as the farts start creeping out, hoping everyone would think it was the other guy.”
Kaepernick Turns Poop into Politics
After much public and media speculation as to why he sat out the national anthem, Kaepernick has decided not to stand for the rest of this season. He hopes to draw attention to what he believes is injustice for all kinds of things such as outlandish cable TV costs and police brutality.
“It wasn’t until people started to make a big stink about me refusing to rise for the national anthem that I hopped on the injustice bandwagon,” Kaepernick said. “As folks speculated about my intention in not standing, I began to connect the dots.”
“Like strained farts, we have a lot of issues in this country that we need to deal with,” said Kaepernick. “America has a lot of people who are oppressed. And we have a lot of people that aren’t treated equally, that aren’t given equal opportunities.”
“The Niners is a phenomenal organization,” he continued. “We’ve had great conversations here on everything from relationships to managing sudden bowel movements,” Kaepernick said. “I’ve had great memories here, especially in the locker room.”
“This team has given me the opportunity to become the man I am today,” he continued with a tear in his eye. “I’m grateful for that. Because I don’t think I’m less of a man for trying to contain a bowel movement for the greater good of my teammates and these United States. And I couldn’t have gotten to this point without my team’s support.”
Originally published at kenkilpatrick.com on September 13, 2016.