Why Single Young Men Shouldn’t Live in the Suburbs

One arm swinging frantically and the other clenching his bag, Jonathan strides toward his car. It has been a rough week and the sunlight seeping through the branches above welcomes him warmly, but his ’04 Honda Accord couldn’t be farther away.

He receives a text from his buddy, Patty, right when he cuts that last right turn.

“What’s the move tonight bruh?” Patty asks.

Jonathan dreads this text. He knows full well that, not only must he endure a 90-minute drive home through D.C. rush-hour traffic, but he must also turn around and come all the way back if he and Patty wish to meet any attractive young women tonight. In fact, he must return to the city if he wishes to meet any people his age tonight.

Jonathan’s story is shared by countless young men who bear the burden of dwelling in the suburbs post-college graduation. (Young women, too, but this piece is written from a male perspective.)

The sad truth is there just isn’t much to do in the burbs for a single young man who recently got his degree in the mail.

So, if you do happen to find yourself in Jonathan’s sorry predicament, what exactly are your options for prowling in the night?

Sports Bars

Your first option is the local sports bar, mostly populated with middle-aged men. Sure, you’ll find a pretty twentysomething woman here and there. Usually, though, she’ll be accompanied by her boyfriend — precisely because of the fact that there are so few single young men around that she decided to take what she could get and squeeze tight. In fact, a tour around your local sports bar will likely reveal the only young people in sight are the servers and bartenders.

And that’s one route you can take. Restaurant employees tend to have vibrant, party-based social lives (I’ll concede that’s based purely on anecdotal evidence). Your best bet here is to strike up a conversation with any given bearded, spectacle-wearing server and infiltrate the system.

Hookah Bars

Hookah bars are popular destinations for suburban young folks too — if inhaling tobacco smoke and cranking to Future is your thing, that is. For whatever reason, there are packs of young people that can’t get enough of this toxic stuff (I’m referring to the smoke, of course. Future is fire). In my experience, though, hookah bars are mostly filled with recent high school graduates that can’t get into an actual bar.

Tinder

The first thing you’ll notice about swiping in the Washington suburbs is that about 95.97 percent of your matches will come from downtown D.C., Baltimore city and surrounding colleges. Something tells me men living in other suburban centers face the same reality. Nevertheless, Tinder and its competitors can serve as useful tools for the lonely suburban dweller. If you do find a female companion close by, even the simple things like grabbing food and watching a movie will inherently be more entertaining.

Sports Leagues/Gyms

I’m sure there are sports leagues to join. The gym has some potential too. However, even though I frequently work out and play pick-up basketball, I can’t say I’m qualified to speak on this one.

In Conclusion

Of course, the most fruitful option is to tough out that drive back into town — or maybe even drop some stacks on an Uber. Or better yet, consider moving into the city. As a friend of mine explained just before I graduated college, our fate as young men is lined with pug-filled streets and high-rise buildings. Looking back, that man was pure genius.

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