Show Up, Let Go
Well. It’s been a couple of years of it hasn’t it? And that’s a massive understatement. Aside from the collective trauma that is Covid-19, I have been on (and am still navigating) a challenging (which let’s face it, is basically a euphemism for complicated/messy/shitty) personal journey at the same time. I know I am not the only one. I think it’s safe to say that the pandemic brought out the best and worst in all of us.
In 2020 I started journaling again, as part of an ongoing healing process (also known as ‘doing the work’). Digging deep into my personal vulnerabilities, I started writing and recording poetry again. I realised how much of myself I had lost over the years and wondered whether I should start a blog but the idea of sharing more of myself as openly as I used to (outside of a poetic format, or the odd Instagram post) terrified me. But I wanted to get into the habit of writing ‘in public’ (apart from for work) again. So I returned to this medium account.
Going through all of my posts (mostly from 2016), it struck me how open I was, and yet also still somewhat guarded about what I shared. There is nothing wrong with that, especially when it comes to talking about others whose stories intersect with mine, about whom I cannot make assumptions or speak for. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t share more of my experiences from my own perspective, and reflect on my journey.
I’ve been reading a lot of Brené Brown again lately, and one of the many things she says that really resonates with me, and informs my work as both a writer and a coach is:
“ Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”
My mum used to say that we are here for each other, and I guess that amounts to the same thing. Because of my mum, it is the first of the values I live by…
Connection. Compassion. Creativity. Courage.
In order for connection to be authentic, all parties need to be truly vulnerable. And this takes courage (deliberately last in my list of values as it is the ‘stretch’ value for me, one that I have to continuously work on).
Over the past two years, I have experienced several major life changes, one of which was the end of my marriage. I don’t wish to say any more about that, as it is not only my story. What I will say, is that the journey that has followed has challenged me to reflect deeply on my approach to, and how I show up in, my relationships. Not romantic relationships but friendships, work relationships, family relationships and everything in between.
The most fulfilling relationships I have are those with whom I can be entirely vulnerable, with no fear of showing up as my whole, imperfect self. I needed to examine when I was being all of me, and when I was diminishing parts of myself to try and please others.
Before 2020, I would have said that I was a ‘Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)’ like it was an apology. Some would have (and did) call me ‘too sensitive’, ‘too soft’, ‘too trusting’, and even ‘stupid’ for being too quick to be open and vulnerable with others. Sometimes this tendency has served me well and sometimes it hasn’t. Life is a learning curve and none of us get it right all the time. And that’s ok. It really is ok. It has taken (is taking?) me a long time and a lot of support lately to actually feel this again, and to have self-compassion. I still frequently have days when I doubt myself, reminding me that when ‘doing the work’, it’s important to remember ‘the work’ is an ongoing process, it is never done.
I no longer identify as ‘Highly Sensitive’, because the label wasn’t helpful to me. I’m still sensitive, but try not to offer this trait as an apology, instead claiming the word ‘compassionate’ as a descriptor for the same traits I once labelled as highly/overly sensitive.
This month, as many writers were sharing their New Year’s Resolutions - or, for those who dislike the idea of resolutions, intentions - I wondered to myself if I should (now there’s a loaded word, but that’s a whole separate post) write any intentions for the year ahead, to help maintain a positive, or at least forward focused, mindset. I thought back to what has helped me through 2020 and 2021 and honestly? I never thought I would say this but it has been affirmations, especially:
All is well and I am safe (thanks Kassandra)
This too shall pass (literally everyone/everywhere, Persian origin)
I am the sun, I always rise (my own affirmation, inspired by watching the sunrise daily from my window)
So I thought, ‘what’s my affirmation for 2022?’ and immediately these words came to me:
Show Up, Let Go
Even (especially) when it’s painful and I feel super vulnerable, I will continue to show up. To allow all of me to be, and stop worrying about what others think/will do about it if I speak my truth. Just because others may disagree, that’s ok. My truth is not anyone else’s to define, it is mine. Which leads me to letting go… Letting go of what people might think or do, letting go of the fear of what might happen (as it might happen anyway), and just… Doing what’s right (by my personal values) and letting go of the outcome. I’m curious…
What would you do differently this year if you weren’t holding on so tightly to any potential outcome?
I have written about four different ‘conclusions’ to this post and none of them felt right, so I will just leave this as one of the ‘random ramblings’ I mention in my profile, that I would like to get back to writing here. I guess I could end with… Well, this is me. Showing up, and letting go.
If you connected with these words in any way, please hit the little hands below! And leave a comment if you feel moved to do so. I am always up for new connections.
