This response is so insensitive, machine-like.

Why not address these questions to the boyfriend, that is the person who does not seem so obviously the victim? The person who seems to be the victim may have committed what seem to you like errors. So what? Are you addressing someone’s hurt, or, exposing your need to be right by showing the wrong in others? Do you care about other people, or just feeling like some logic you are familiar with puts you in a better position that others?

It seems to me your answer is a good example of an injust statement, that is, a statement that makes suffering worse and taken further in social contexts brings up more risk of suffering and violence for many, and helps such stories more likely. One just needs to follow your logic of asking the person suffering to “reflect and learn”, and the next steps will be about trusting more people than others, about giving some people more power over others, that is reproducing the very context of this suffering: someone having automatic and implicit power in our thoughts, feelings and laws over others. To my mind I see no benefit in applying your logic to situations of domestic violence, or any other abuse, and I feel it is important to combat the kind of logic in your posting because it makes my life better, and many like me agree. You may not, and are free to do so.

Wondering how such stories are possible, regardless of the details of the actors involved, without judging people you have no idea about, would be much more constructive, fair, and conducive to a better life for more of us. This is the ideal of laws, ever imperfect of course, bringing in as much detail that we actually do know and can all agree upon, and making clear what are the details we cannot agree upon. Of course law does not attempt to solve problems, simply to replace violent conflict with some kind of reason enough of us agree upon. This is why the idea of the law is not to judge characters or morals, but actions and outcomes we all agreed upon, be they good or bad. There was a time when beating a child was seen as indispensable, nowadays we find that unacceptable. I am happy for this evolution and will push for more in this spirit. Judging the aggressor or the victims is useless, we know they both exist and have the right to breathe and more. I am interested in the ways we do things so that aggressors and victims can be free without hurting others and themselves, as far as possible in our particular culture. I know others think differently, and I look forward to meet, converse, and agree on whatever we can. If you feel judged or you judge me as a person, then I hope we will both have the support to recognize, stop and refrain from it. It is the main reason why I would write in a public space like Medium :)