Sentimental Rubbish

My anxiety is taking over me right now. Here is how i feel:

My heart is racing. My hands are shaking. I feel nauseous. I feel as if within any moment i could breakdown and start crying.

All because of something so dull (looking back on it now). And all of a sudden these emotions I guess i have been suppressing finally overcame me.

I feel my throat tightening, my body gets jittery, my palms gets clammy, my breathing get heavier and weaker at the same time.

How do i let go of this? How do i calm myself and bring myself to my serene place again? At this point, it seems nearly unattainable.

All i want is to not feel anything. I feel like i could do something traumatic at any second. Sometimes i feel too much. I feel things too intensely and i don’t know how to react so i panic. Sometimes i don’t trust myself. But i realize that i have to.

This is when i begin to ground myself, or at least do my best to; I look around me, at the faces surrounding me, then i remind myself that i have people who care about me. Sometimes i reach out to people, but i am often too stubborn and i do not like to burden people with my problems. Admitting i need help is nearly impossible for me; i worked hard to be independent and i refuse to give that up for anything. But when I’m not okay I try to not be alone, because I know that things will only get worse. I try to find company. I am lucky enough to have a few people i can always go to no matter what. For them, I am thankful.

And then after i ground myself i begin to plan my next move. How i am going to handle the situation and how i am going to prevent it from happening again. Or at least prevent it from affecting me the same way, or at all.

I decide to cut back on the amount of attention i give you. This is an experiment. I want to see how you react to the coldness I am receiving and giving it back to you. I want to see if you are bothered by it; if you are then things should be fine and maybe you will try to communicate with me. Maybe something will change. If you are not effected by this then at least i will now be aware of how you actually feel. Loud and clear; although a slap to the face nonetheless.

I used to be at peace with myself. I haven’t had an episode in over three months or even longer it seems. But things got intense and overwhelming for me really quickly, all at once. And i couldn’t handle it. I still cannot pinpoint the exact reason why this happened or what triggered it. It must have been an underlying reason that i was avoiding. But you cant hide things from yourself, unfortunately.

During this time, being alone was impossible; I either drank myself drunk or smoked myself higher than clouds. I needed to be unconscious or not alone. Being sober seemed unbearable. I was too anxious to function. And it lasted. The anxiety didn’t leave for days. That is what got me the most, it lasted and nothing i was trying was working. I tried to keep myself busy, occupied and distracted because being alone with my thoughts in this state was not healthy. Why was this happening? Why wouldn't it subside? Why couldn’t I stop over analyzing every little thing that has happened? I finally got to a point where I was a go-with-the-flow kind of girl, finally. Someone i was proud to be. And I didn't care, I let things go. Then this happened.

Maybe because i was made to look like a fool. But everything was so in between the lines, so up and down, so back and forth. I was going insane. I’m not one for constant order or routines but i do not like being pulled and pushed constantly.

Maybe it was all in my head. I get lost in there sometimes.

So here i am, in my coffee shop, writing this bullshit. I hate how things affected me, in such a major way it seemed. But looking back now, it was so mediocre. It was nothing to worry about and I feel foolish. But i will definitely be okay. There is no doubt about that.

It will just take some time. Que sera sera, as i like to say. I know this to be true, but I find it impossible to believe sometimes.

Here i am again, a few days later, feeling a lot more at ease about everything. After i distanced myself. After i saw how everything played out. I needed this. And low and behold; i was right.

So thank you. For showing your true colors, although I still find them beautiful. It sucked, but it was mediocre and I am fine. Just like I knew I would be. I have been through worst.

I am at peace once again, thankfully. I’m focusing on myself and my state of mind. I am happy. I am proud of myself; for constantly being able to pull myself out of whatever I’m currently drowning in. I feel calm and I am not worried about a thing; whatever happens, happens. I don’t have much control over what happens around me: I only have control over how i react to what occurs. And realizing that is what helps me the most.

Que sera sera.