2016–10–10: The past 18 months

I’d like to think my past 18 months been some of the best in my life thus far. But recently I’ve started to realise that I’ve been living a lie.

There is a saying that you should “fake it until you make it”. Some psychologists want to say you should go even further proclaiming that you should “fake it until you become it”. The reasoning behind this is pretty simple; some research shows that this “mind over body” thought pattern actually works to some extent. I don’t disbelieve it fully but I do believe its something that becomes more difficult as more concious of it you become.

In a way I decieved myself to be more careless and prideless than I actually were. Just to get that self-confidence boost. It’s a really selfish thing to do but on the other hand its something completely personal. Well giving myself that “false” self-confidence boost made me trying to fit into groups that I actually didn’t fit into that well. I guess I tried to fit in everywhere. The result only being me standing on the edge of wether I’m in or out in every cirlce. And that is were I am right now. Realising that fact.

Now what shall I do? Fall of the edge to the right and away from the left. Or maybe I’m bound to fall in to the one upwards. Before I do that I must change. Something must. Giving myself false self-confidence boosts must stop. Only real confidence comes from me changing my acutal behaviour, not me thinking I am.

It’s time to get my ass up and get shit done. That shit, being me.

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