The AG Pops An Edible
It was the dangest thing. About two in the afternoon we did a photo op to roll out our brand spankin’ new War On Drugs. I spoke about how marijuana is really heroin and to illustrate that basic fact we had a table laid out with those two noxious substances, bags of the stuff, joints and what not. I was glad somebody had put out a few Gummy Bears because my throat was dry from all the talkin’ I did.
Then we went to some dang Collard Contest and I think that’s what threw me off. It was Alabama versus North Carolina in the finals and I was the judge. I hate collards but I downed some and, even though the North Carolina ones were the best, I went for the Alabama ones. Then something weird happened. As I stood there talkin’ to the crowd, the crowd just receded and looked like they were far away.
I needed to get out of there but in the lobby of the buildin’ they were playin’ some country music, good old timey stuff, and it was just fillin’ my ears with the sweetest sounds, even better than when my wife whispers in my ear, “Do what you’re told, Jeffy.” My staff kept sayin’ we had a meetin’ with the prez, but that didn’t seem right. I mean I’m just a country boy. What would I be doin’ meetin’ with the prez?
But we made it out of there and headed to the White House. Let me tell you that ride was a true hoedown. We must have been goin’ a hundred and twenty miles an hour. I rolled down the window even though they told me I couldn’t for some safety reasons. I didn’t care. That wind was sweet as can be, like a breeze on a summer porch.
Things got fun strange once we got inside the White House. You ever seen that horror movie The Shining when the kid rides around the hotel on his Big wheels? Man, I was on my Big Wheels, whizzin’ down the halls, goin’ this way and that. We got to the Oval Office and I didn’t want to stop, but they made me.
The prez wasn’t there for the meeting yet but his daughter was there, by herself. I got scared, of course, paranoid really, ’cause my wife wasn’t with me, and well that daughter’s easy to look at, if you know what I mean. I think she patted the sofa next to her and told me to have a seat. Next I know I’m less than a foot away from those bee stung lips and try as I might I couldn’t get up to leave.
Neither could I understand a word she was sayin’. They was words and all but, man, I couldn’t make hide nor hair of them. But after a while that didn’t matter. Funniest thing. I imagined my wife comin’ in just then, screamin’ at me, and it didn’t matter. I just started laughin’ my fool head off. Couldn’t stop.
Then the prez’s daughter leaned in even closer and said, “Are you stoned?” I didn’t know what she was talkin’ about, but I remembered my buddy the Luv Guv told me when he was with his lady friend his pecker got hard as a stone, or a bone, or something. And then I realized that my pecker was all agitated and I started giggling again thinkin’ I got to call the Luv Guv and see what he does next.
The prez’s daughter must have known what comes next cause she put one of her hands on my thigh, pretty close to that agitated pecker. I stopped giggling. My throat was dry as a toad’s ass. Those lips were as big as an inner tube. I could see myself puttin’ my head in those lips, that’s how big they were.
Then the door opens and the prez charges in. I jumped up, lost my balance and went head over teakettle over the coffee table. The prez and his daughter helped me up and I saw them exchange a look that made me downright paranoid. What was going on?
Then it hit me. Them dang collards. There was somethin’ bad in those collards. I started to tell the prez I’d had a run-in with some bad collards but when I went to tell him, for the life of me I couldn’t remember what I was going to say. We moved over to his desk for the meetin’. A few other cabinet members came in and I drew a blank on the name of that yakety-yak rich woman who bought the education seat.
Damn collards. Did all that to me and left my mouth dry as dust. I remembered I had some of the Gummy Bears with me and so I popped a few of those and downed some water. I was glad my assistant was there ’cause after it was over I didn’t remember a dang thing about the meeting. ‘Specially not the part where I told the prez we should list collards as a Schedule One drug.
The prez went for it, of course, and that’s how we got those dang collards outlawed.