We Sometimes Forget Our Ways and Ourselves
As human, with time and practice, thinking and actions become habit. I remember I learnt important life long lessons from my first two jobs. Those lessons I completely forgot few months ago.
One lesson I learnt is that no matter where you are and what you do or who you are regardless of how rich, good looking or smart, always be kind and treat people well. Also, always stay humble. This gone out the windows few months ago. As I succeeded in doing things and achieving things, more arrogant and less compassionate I became but internally I was completely insecure. Being in the job for only nine months and reaching this stage, I was so afraid that I had peaked and nothing more to achieve. That fear made me ruthless and unforgiving to those weaker or slower than me. Somethings happened at work that seemed unfair to me pushed me over the edge and I myself allowed this negativity to fester and grow, to the point of controlling and overpowering me. Big mistake.
This affected my relations with my friends and it is hurting me right now. I felt hurting people I love and care wound up hurting me too. But I couldn’t stand the fact that I hurt people I love. I never took matter of the heart lightly.
However, as the sayings go: “Life is 10% of what happened to you but 90% how you react to it” and also “best apology is changed behaviour”, I need to do many self reflections and self corrections. Apologies alone do not mend my ways. Hence, I saw many versions of myself that I did not realised or discovered. I was so pessimistic, so bullish, always looking front and back but never now, never grateful and failing to notice what is there at the moment, fail to control my emotions, and also allowing myself easily to be the victim and keep feeling sorry for myself. Above all else, bad temperament with many various anxieties and abundance of various fears. The big rocks keep dropping on me with mirrors that show many truthful versions of me that I did not see, ever. With problems, solutions are required and certain situations are to be accepted internally.
So here I am now, trying to be positive. Waking up every morning, being grateful of things I have never been grateful for or notice. Shifting every negative thoughts away and think positive. Being mindful and take things slower…freeing myself from things I consider burdens that seems to allow myself to be weighed down unnecessarily…listening more to people…keeping my emotions and temper in check…complain less because unless I can change things, I can only accept and being more compassionate. Need to continue learning and umderstanding…think before I speak and feel before I hurt…taking these and practicing these step by step…take it one day at a time…
I am determined to change myself for the better firstly for me first that will eventually help people around me too. I realised that unless I want things and make the change myself determinedly, no one can help me no matter how many extended their hands. To help me, I need to help myself first.
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