Birthday Fears & Pain

Trauma & mental health issues

Happiers! I need your help again! I’ve been thinking back to my birthday last year and how it went down. After what happened then, and after being told that that was the last one I would be getting to spend my birthday with my family again; I thought that I wouldn’t be getting one this year at all. I’m surprised that I am. With how my parents believe and are choosing to be stubborn, ignorant and blind to the other side: my side; they hated the way I acted during that whole event. How I didn’t show appreciation for everyone coming, and for their gifts, (to mainly show real emotion) and to socialize with my family. They refuse to hear my side of the story.

The truth on that event last year is as states: “I wasn’t able to show real emotion (appreciation and gratitude) because I was experiencing that numbness that comes with being mentally depressed (even though I was in the early stage of recovery while being on Lexapro) and the part where I wasn’t socializing with my family was because I could barely talk enough to do so. Due to the numbness from the depression. But mom and dad refuse to accept that and stick with the fact that I said during the event that I couldn’t do what they wanted me to because of Courtney being sick (throwing up and leaving early).

I have tried but they won’t budge to actually listen. Unless it actually comes from Dr. Kao; they won’t accept that and let go of what they had stubbornly believed and stuck with on what happened and that they don’t understand how I was so selfish, anti-social, rude, etc. (Sorry for the language) I fucking hate how my parents have viewed my behaviour without getting more of an education through books and online resources to gain more education and beliefs of what is right when it comes to mental illness and mental health.

Mental health has always been my #1 priority and if something puts it at risk or isn’t safe at any time or day, I’m gonna not bother to consider it and take a day off work if I view it logically/intelligently after the heat of the moment has passed and it still seems like the right thing to do. And on that note, I’m not willing to put it at risk or anything that in which I believe in just to make my own parents happy.

I’ve done that as a huge bad habit of mine for years and at a certain point in my recovery, I started working on making my happiness my priority and my responsibility. That I need to stop putting the key to my happiness to their pockets and to stop seeking happiness in the darkest of places. It’s not worth anything at all. My mental health is too valuable to me that it’s not worth putting at risk like that.

And so I’m here for your help on what you can give me on how to respond in an emotionally intelligent way when hard times arise with my parents when they continue to act stubbornly, with ignorance and blindly with the real truth and facts about mental illness in which I’m living with.

And I’m also scared for Saturday: my 21st birthday family celebration (though I intend to ask my manager for me to leave my shift early on Saturday 9am-5pm) because of what has been going on lately and I’m in serious need of help on how I can make sure I don’t screw this one up to though the difference between last year and this year is that I’m not particularly depressed, mainly just having struggles with depression. What advice, tips, thoughts, insights, inspiration can you give me?

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