Why I Hate Men — a Memoir of a Tired Feminist

“I hate men”

Since 2020, this has fast become one of my most said mantras and that of many feminists which has earned us the name “misandrists” “bitter feminists” and the like.

I wrote before about how misandry, if at all it exists, is mutually exclusive of feminism. But I disagree that it’s equal or even the same at all as misogyny.

I mean, I tried so hard to be one of the pleasant feminists, “I’m not like the extreme, bitter ones”, I even wrote a whole article about it, which I took down already cos eeew, I can’t believe I wanted my feminism to please men???

Then lockdown came, the hustle and bustle that usually kept us busy was gone and it was much easier to face reality. It was like my eyes were open to what men were capable of anew.

You see, I used to chant “not all men” a lot because I genuinely believed there were good men. I genuinely believed feminists were being extreme when they said, “Men are scum”.

It wasn’t until I finally understood that “scum” wasn’t referring to something as petty as men breaking women’s hearts but the fact that men have abused and assaulted women physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally.

The fact that if you ask any woman, she can tell you one or multiple stories about a time she was harassed or assaulted by a man yet men would claim they haven’t assaulted any woman or know anyone who has.

The fact that men would always jump to defend another man even when they don’t know him, that they’d just rather protect him than believe the woman who called him out for assaulting her. By default, whether the man had defended himself or not, it just has to be false to them, no man is capable of rape.

Same people who would blame you for visiting the man that ended up raping you will turn around and call you bitter if you say you’re wary of all men. How am I supposed to know if he’s capable of raping me or not? Do rapists write it on their foreheads? Isn’t it much better for me to be wary of all men since it’ll be my fault if he ends up raping me?

So, maybe not all men assault/harass women. But the system benefits all men. The system of blaming victims first, the system of automatically believing the man or protecting the man.

Maybe that’s why men would always run to defend each other, just so they get the same treatment when it’s their turn. That’s why they try so hard to protect these men, so they’ll be protected too.

For example, so many known rapists are still on Twitter, moving on like nothing happened, people are still kiking at their tweets and engaging with them. One still went on to be a judge for a TV show, LOL. The system is built to protect men.

So yes, all men. All men are more than capable of being scum and getting away with it. And no, women are NOT scum. Am I saying women don’t abuse men? No, but statistically and systemically, women do not oppress men. But I didn’t write this article to defend why women aren’t scum.

The question is, why do I hate men?

Going beyond the literal meaning of “I hate men”, it’s also very symbolic/figurative for me.

As someone who was raised in a very patriarchal society, everything I did almost always linked to the question “Is that how you’ll behave in your husband’s house?” till I internalized it and started living my life for the male gaze.

Even when I first realized I was a feminist, I bent over and tried to make sure my feminism was pleasing to men and coddled their emotions. “I’m not like the other feminists”. LOL.

So now, every time I think, say, shout, scream, “I hate men”, I’m saying, I hate the system that these men have helped create, the system that benefits men, the system that lets men get away with everything they do to women.

I’m saying “Fuck The Patriarchy”.

I’m saying, fuck men’s opinion of me. I’m saying, I don’t give 2 shits if I’m perceived as wife material or not.

I’m saying, fuck men because 6-year-old Rhoda didn’t deserve that.

I’m saying, fuck men because I didn’t have to feel like I wasn’t good enough to be a class governor at 11 just because I have a vagina.

I’m saying fuck men because 14-year-old Rhoda didn’t deserve to be assaulted in the school library.

I’m saying fuck men because I didn’t have to grow up living in fear that I’d be raped at any point in my life no matter what I did to prevent it.

I’m saying fuck men for every time I’ve had to pretend to ignore a catcall even though my heart was beating so fast as I pass by a group of men.

I’m saying fuck men for every time I’ve had to brace myself or plug in an earpiece pretending to listen to music every time I’m about to pass male hostels in Unilag and UI.

I’m saying fuck men because 21-year-old Rhoda didn’t deserve to be assaulted in her friend’s house.

I’m saying fuck men because 22-year-old Rhoda shouldn’t have been hurt that way.

I’m saying fuck men because Uwa shouldn’t have been raped and killed in a church.

Fuck men on behalf of all the women the patriarchy has hurt.

So don’t think for one moment that when I say I hate men, it’s over petty reasons. Don’t think for one moment that I don’t mean it from the very depth of my being.

Don’t think that it’s an oxymoron that I claim to hate men but I’m still sexually attracted to them.

It’s not a gotcha moment to ask how I can hate men and still be attracted to them, sometimes I think it’s my biggest flaw. I wish I wasn’t but since sexuality is not a choice, there’s nothing I can do about it.

So the next time I scream that I hate men, understand that it’s in response to the deep hurt I feel. Understand that it’s me saying I don’t care anymore what the male gaze perceives me as.

Understand that when I say I hate men, I mean it both literally and figuratively.

It’s not just in the literal sense of it that it seems ridiculous to people especially coming from a heterosexual woman. “How can you say you hate men but still be attracted to them? You don’t hate men joh “.

Yes, I mean it in the literal sense many of the times but it’s also about what “I hate men” symbolizes to me. The freedom that “I hate men” has given to me.

It has become my outlet and the easiest way to express my anger at the world and the system I met here.

So the next time you hear or see me say “I hate men”, the question isn’t “What did men do this time?”, the question I have for you is “What did men not do?”

PS: I’m not in any way saying feminism means to hate men. Your feminism isn’t less valid if you hate men, and neither is it if you don’t hate men. They’re mutually exclusive, read more about my opinion on Feminism and Misandry here.

Thank you so much for reading! Don’t forget to share your thoughts with me in the comments, and share this post with friends! Till next timeeee! 🥰

Still unapologetically feminist,
Rhodarr.

PS PS: Views are all mine, I don't speak for all feminists or women ❤️

Originally published at http://rhodarrsdiary.wordpress.com on April 10, 2023.