Incognito

Okay so confessions; I don’t know why I am writing this, but I really feel like. So, why not? So lets begin.

Okay, so now yesterday I was talking to my mother (yes, I do talk to her usually, but this is of more significance). We were talking about my recent visit to this one doctor (whose name I wouldn’t mention because technically he has a copyright for it and I am not very fond of jail) who is said to be qualified enough to be able to figure out your problem just by feeling your pulse. I didn’t really wanna go to him simply because he sounds like a tarot card reader or someone who predicts things (they’re called psychics or psyches or something?!?). But then, like all my other arguments with my mom, she won this too and I had to go to him (duh!). Once I went to him, he did what he was supposed to do and gasped (and I got slightly bizarre ideas). My mom couldn’t come with me and so I had gone with this friend of hers. He told the friend to go out, as he only wanted to communicate with the ‘young lady’. When she left, he said, and I quote “You know you have a lot of aggression and anger in you,” and I thought dude! That is mighty predictable; I am not that good an actor! But it was his next sentence, which got me. “You have seen a lot of things at a very early age and it runs in your pulse, your blood everyday. The hatred; the rage, the anger. But at the same time you are exceptionally emotional. These two emotions form a deadly combination. Stop being swayed by emotions. It’s a wrong thing to happen.” And you know what I was like? I was mighty pissed. Why? Because I like being incognito. I like being a mystery. One, which not all men can solve (P.S. men and women). And here was this man who seemed to know it all about me. I couldn’t really let that happen you know. But the thing is, was I that angry, well I preferred sad; that it ran in my veins? Was I depressed? I hope not. He gave me some medication and asked me to see him in a fortnight.

At night, when I was all cosy in my bed, my thoughts were going haywire. I couldn’t help but wonder ‘why me? Was it my fault that I saw things? Or because I didn’t tell people I saw things? God knows’! when my mother asked me about the visit the next day I didn’t have anything to say. What would I have told her? Sorry ma, I guess I am really sad for something or so. I am on medication. Seemed like I was on meth. It didn’t take her much time to figure out the root of my problem after I grew some balls and told her (the word usage is NOT literal). So, she told me too. I already knew but sometimes its okay to pretend to be stupid. So, we decided that I am going to call up the person who I owe my sadness to and tell him about it (I was sure he wouldn’t get predictable dreams). It was sad to know that while I went through so much deep inside, the person behind it was free from the suffering. So, we decided to call him up (and I repeat this line so that it is emphasised upon).

When I called him up, he sounded casual; real casual. It really set me off. So I screamed, and I shouted, and I let it all out (in that order). It took some sort of pain and a feeling, which cannot be put into words. It was a mixture of emptiness, sorrow, regret, frustration and tears (and it is not the best feeling in the world). I wanted to be incognito, hidden. I wanted to be Jane doe-ish. Totally unknown. A face to be forgotten. I wanted to be alone. Without anybody. Without being hurt by puny humans, by people who don’t give no shit. I wanted to be left alone till Philip Adler from ‘The Stars Shine Down’ showed up. But that clearly was not what was meant to be. What was meant to be, was devastation and a black, dark sky. And eventually, I thought I would prepare myself for it. But hey! I am still only fifteen years old remember?

But then, I remembered what Sidney Sheldon said. He said, “ life is a book. It has chapters. Some are happy, some are sad. But many fail to realize that no matter what part you are on, you are going to have to turn the page. It doesn’t matter if what you were reading was gleeful or remorseful. It will pass, depending on your reading speed. So, don’t forget to turn the page. Who knows, it might be the last line of the chapter.” And he once again put a smile on my face, unknowingly of course. I understood that even after myriads of attempts, life goes on. And assholes are not meant to screw it for you. So keep your head up princess, your crown is falling! Cheer up and give it back to them. It will not only help you feel good, it might make them realise their mistake. Not everybody is as good at predictions as Doctor Copyright, you know….

Until then,

Namaste.