Auto Didactism in the United States
Being Wise beyond my years does not provide me with a certain sense of exception to the policies currently governing the United States. Frighteningly I find myself surrounded by shadow images of beings that are similar to me; well versed in the art of literature yet ideologically blind to the art of greed and decadence. While a good time is necessary to unwind from the brutal weight of a trillion dollar debt-which employs an entire sector of hardworking older Americans eager to collect and earn their pay- It does not provide a litany of faith or trust pertaining to the modern willennial base of twenty somethings; currently living through the diaspora.
In my own context; I was simply born into a raw deal, my parents moved here during the Haitian crisis of the late 80’s, delivering me into the world after securing their green cards and working their way through the strict and methodical screening process. Currently I find myself struggling against the burdens of a hopeless and pointless existence. This literally leads to the collective suicide of certain members of our generation. Whether through quick means (gunshot) or slower avenues such as drugs and alcohol; A personal vice I’ve overcome recently, pointlessness seems poignant for our generation.
Success exists within the framework of today’s world due to the concept of infinity. As a musician throughout my life I’ve utilized my instruments to create hope within the world of doom I grew up in. Bills would pile on and my mother; after abandoning her playboy husband to his own hedonistic pursuits, remained strong in the hope of future alleviation from pain by her children. That man now exists in front of the screen like so many beings before him planning to find a solution from a life falsehoods and rhetoric in order to make good on said promise. Yet again how can one hope to achieve this with the only aid coming from Sallie Mae and Freddie mac? Or in my mind a sea of predators like I; assholes and older beings, most of whom only bring out repulsion and disgust. Was life not meant to be fair and equal?
Nepotism and obliviousness seem to go hand in hand, judging by the recent actions of the fraudulent; it’s all entertaining to view such as a manga or exciting new artist finally coming into their own, idiosyncratically of the mainstream digest. I think entertaining mainly because I myself am much too responsible-or at least I perceive myself to be, yet it appears that I am not due to tax and debt burdens. The only statement I can make is thus: I have no statement. No way to reconfigure the network of corruption other than to sacrifice myself to the beast. Ostensibly running away is impossible once introduced into the matrix of modernity. Yet critiquing can be done from anywhere in the globe. Why should I stay stubbornly attached to a country that seems to feel with such passion as to be seen irrationally within the scope of the universe.
My attempts at reconciling my academic record appear to be at a halt for the current moment. I keep making the wrong choices, being with the wrong people, and appearing in the wrong sense. Left handed and too creative for the rigid; I may appear crazed: incensed, or, aloof. Yet it merely masks my disappointment with everything and everyone including myself. This recent trend of taking ones own life when faced with the impossibility of our penal colony is completely understandable to me, but I do not condone it. While it is true that loud mouthed idiotic fascists appear to sway certain segments of the population here in the good old U.S.A, I know where the counter point lies. It’s Seen in the spirits of my fellow protestors and auto-didactics, We can’t give in nor can we give up. Finance and security are necessary, but it can’t make a nation such as ours any better. Love, compassion, and co-existence are needed; if only to control, and limit, the most powerful, and wealthiest nation on the face of the earth from imploding, dooming the world to an apocalyptic present. I know we’re all capable of it though, Music heals all and film inspires us not to forget how we can make use of our scientific advances.
Although I mind it; when black American culture falls into a den of drug abuse. I don’t judge it too harshly, mainly because I’ve seen all sides and understand now that we’re all humans-in need of stress relief- some of us have a larger burden then others which makes us artificially noble in construct. This also allows us to handle pressure, placing ourselves within roles we may never have dreamed of nor desired? I’m beginning to realize the Neoliberal landscape I currently occupy; it simply frightens me to think of myself as an entrepreneur with a safety net at great costs. When did I become a black artist living within Brooklyn? Being vicariously through others can be hazardous; forgetting ones own talents and motivations drained me of time. Reflecting on the past comes to an end at some point; and that’s what most of 2015 was for me. Catching up to the present; simply to remind myself of the possibilities of a life lived outside of my current group of friends, mostly forgettable I unfortunately must admit; but hey I can’t do all of the drugs with you.
So off I hope to go; As a musician and fledgling writer in need of an intensive reminder of why I placed myself within this position in the first place. Going on a tour and performing music would not be an intentional party in the U.S.A for me but a much needed chance to reconcile my confusion with the land, and possibly to prove my doubts, the media, and mom wrong about what it means to be black in America. You can’t all be violent and insane.
P.S fuck wal-mart