Touching. And all too familiar. I can only relay my experience and hope it is helpful. When I was 16, talking on the phone to a beautiful older girl, I absentmindedly stuck a piece of metal into the power socket in front of me; I got quite the shock. I have never, never made that mistake again. But when similar sorts of horrific consequences occurred because of drinking, I always explained it away and launched “once more into the breach!”

The term alcoholism is just that, a term. The pattern of behavior it alludes to is what to focus on.

Best wishes in finding your way, and remember, if you choose, asking for help is a sign of intelligence, not weakness.