I know, Anna.
Cathy Ladman
21

Cathy,

All the times I branched out, even when I married, I was met with opposition. Once I married, I finally thought that I had the opportunity to create and build the family I wanted, on my terms. Sadly, that ended quickly. I didn’t know I married a crazy abuser. But I did. So those dreams have been dashed. I wouldn’t even call it a dream deferred. In many respects, I think the whole kid and marriage thing has long set sail, never to return.

Making friends in the real world, real life is nearly impossible. The people whom I thought were friends turned out to be different people altogether. Perhaps a sham much like my husband.

What really crushed me was a year after my best friends (since the 6th grade) son’s 2nd birthday, she disappeared. She literally disappeared. Faster forward nearly 4 years later and I have zero closure. Last November I found out about her father’s passing via Twitter. I sat there is absolute dismay. Till this very moment, I have no clue what happened or what went wrong.

Funny that I’m on this topic because as I drove into work today, I though of all the people who just up and left. The list is long and I’m the common denominator. Therefore, as the common denominator, my brain concludes I must have done something for people to have left me. Therefore why bother forging new relationships with anyone? I know what the likely outcome will be.

So no, you can never go home. Home may be where the heart is, but my heart is broken and I often think it’s broken beyond repair. A very dear friend of mine is so afraid that one day I’ll just be gone. I’ve thought about dropping everything and walking away. Drastic, I know. I have no clue how I got here, but here I am and these are my words. A very brief highlight of a past that I can barely remember and one I refuse to live with any longer.

Bulldozing the house.