A Critical, Track-by-Track Deconstruction of Weezer’s “Pinkerton”
by J. W. Friedman, Esq.

#1) “Tired of Sex”
Rivers Cuomo has a lot of sex with many partners but he is very sad about all of the sex.
#2) “Getchoo”
Rivers Cuomo has been having sex with you and is worried that the sex might be getting too serious.
#3) “No Other One”
Please disregard Tracks #1 and #2, Rivers Cuomo is only having sex with his current paramour. He does, however, seem a little reluctant about the situation.
#4) “Why Bother?”
Rivers Cuomo is having sex with so many ladies that, much like Cameo’s Larry Blackmon, he don’t have the time for psychological romance.
#5) “Across the Sea”
Rivers Cuomo is having so much sex but desperately wants to have some more sex with a young Japanese girl.
#6) “The Good Life”
Rivers Cuomo is feeling old and boring and decides that the way to rejuvenate himself is to have lots and lots of sex, all night long.
#7) “El Scorcho”
Rivers Cuomo is having sex with a Japanese girl (a different one this time) who has never heard of Green Day, and that makes her cool. Also there’s some bullshit about wrestling, and Rivers is a jerk who reads other peoples’ diaries.
#8) “Pink Triangle”
Rivers Cuomo really wants to have sex with a woman but it turns out she’s not into men, so he writes a song to make her feel guilty about her sexual preference.
#9) “Falling for You”
Ultimate fuckboi Rivers Cuomo is having a lot of sex with you and now he’s worried he might be falling in love with you, but don’t worry, he says that to all the girls.
#10) “Butterfly”
Rivers Cuomo is creepy as fuck and if you see him you should probably turn and run away, like really fast.
