How I Handle Difficult Conversations
As a habitually non-confrontational human.
Jul 22, 2017 · 2 min read
I am a person who avoids conflict at all costs. Whether it’s a roommate who brings the party home at 2am on a Wednesday, or micro aggressions from a co-worker, I default to avoidance over confrontation almost every time. Sometimes though, tough conversations are unavoidable. So here’s how I have them.

- Reflect. This step happens whether I decide to confront the situation or not, but it remains an important first step. I am terrible at confronting negative experiences at the time they occur. In the instances where I’ve tried, I find myself backtracking, conceding where I shouldn’t, and minimizing the impact of whatever upset me to begin with. Therefore, I always take a step back to reflect and ask myself three questions: What happened? Why was I upset? Were my feelings justified?
- Make a list, and check it twice. Due to my habitual avoidance of conflict, I’ve usually ended up with a healthy list of grievances by the time I decide to address the issue. Therefore, I write up a list of points, and check it twice to grade them as “must-have” or “nice-to-have”. The goal here is three-fold. One, to make sure I address the biggest issues and avoid the need for multiple difficult conversations. Two, to hold myself accountable during the conversation so that I don’t backtrack and minimize my feelings. Three, to avoid getting nit-picky and making the other person feel attacked. For example, a roommate never bothering to turn his alarm off before hopping in the shower is probably a bigger issue than him say, forgetting to shut the utensils drawer whenever he uses it.
- Practice. This one is self explanatory but important. I practice what I want to say, and how to say it unapologetically.
- Self-reflect. Nothing complicates a difficult conversation like someone who surfaces your past transgressions as a way to minimize what they’ve done or said to you. Therefore, I take time to reflect on how I’ve treated the other person and things I’ve done in the past that may have put them off. This puts me in a comfortable place to be ready to apologize, emphasize the fact that our respective bad behaviors do not cancel each other out, and move on.
Are you a fellow non-confrontational person? How do you tackle difficult conversations?
