World XI: Footballers Named After Singers

On the newest “Men in Blazers” podcast, they discussed how Netherlands international Eljero Elia is named after the famous jazz singer Al Jerrau. This sparked a discussion of other footballers named after famous crooners, and Lionel Messi’s name was quickly thrown into the ring. After that, the well ran dry, and the Men moved on, with a quick mention of a hypothetical “World XI” of this sort of player.

Well, I’ve decided to create this mythical squad.

This will be an extremely offensive XI, because great art is about disruption, pain, and power.

Without further ado, here it is.

GK: David (Bowie) de Gea

Manchester United wunderkind David de Gea has all the essentials to make him a glam-rock god — the spiked hair, the lanky frame, the flowing body contortions, and the ability to conjure stunning efforts seemingly from thin air.

D: Jose Enrique (Iglesias)

Jose Enrique is our second Spaniard on this list, and like all men from the Iberian peninsula, he’s a dramatic sort. As with the man he’s named for, Jose’s not afraid to go to his knees in the rain, body soaked to the core, just to make sure you know how much he cares.

D: Kevin-(Prince)Boateng

Kevin-Prince Boateng isn’t shy about going shirtless, and with those tattoos and that body, why should he be? The man can’t be bound by the confines of normal human clothing, as sometimes the sheer emotion of the moment overcomes him and he falls into a rock-fueled fugue state, deaf to all but the sexy demons within.

MF: Stevie (Nicks) Gerrard

Ever one to go for the high note, Stevie has always been a man with a gift for performing under the brightest lights. Although he’s getting on in years, he’s cemented his status as one of the legends, with several hits that will be played as long as there are ears to hear their Siren’s call.

MF: Michael (Jackson) Ballack

Part of a solid group as a youngster, Michael emerged as a true leader and talisman in his prime. He played to multiple countries and continents, and was revered for using his brand of technically gifted, perfectionist, and often sublime skill.

MF: Steven (Tyler) Naismith

Steven Naismith is a true everyman. Not possessed with uncommon good looks (though luckily not looking like a lady), he nevertheless creates big moments and draws huge crowds with his emotion-soaked performances.

MF: (John) Aaron Lennon

A young, good-looking Englishman, Lennon was once (somewhat unfairly) given the burdensome title of “the future of English football.” His gifts are undeniable, and in short bursts, his creativity and speed is unmatched. Unfortunately, he’s never played with the kind of talent that John from Liverpool enjoyed.

MF: Eljero (Al Jarreau) Elia

Jazzy, fresh, bright, inspiring. Am I describing Elia’s play or Jarreau’s silky vocals? You decide.

F: Lionel (Richie) Messi

Hello? Is it him you’re looking for? Well, if you’re seeking one of the smoothest and silkiest to ever do it, a man able to slip into space the way Mr. Richie slides into a falsetto melody, you’ve found him.

F: Wayne (Newton) Rooney

This square-headed man with a perpetual sad dog face is just looking for acceptance in the cold, cruel world of English football. He’s held the standard in Manchester just as the country crooner Newton holds court in Las Vegas.

F: Freddy (Mercury) Adu

Young, highly touted, possessed of boundless energy, and called (by some) the best ever… is it any wonder that both Freddies were taken from us too soon?

Manager: Mick (Jagger) McCarthy

This is a man who can’t get no satisfaction.

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