If you loved him, you would read this. But you don’t. So there’s that.

26 Reasons You Won’t Read This List

1. I am not a Kardashian, Jenner, pundit, or Trump.
2. This list will not help you with your startup.
3. This list will not make you more organized.
4. This list contains no insight into the LGBTQ experience.
5. You are not interested in my boobs.
6. You are not interested in my junk.
7. This list contains no kittens, puppies, nor babies.
8. This list contains no celebrity news.
9. This list contains no celebrity gossip.
10. This list contains no value for people who don’t recognize the difference between news and gossip.
11. This list has no apps, hardware, software, or ideas you absolutely must have right now to become a better you.
12. Something super-duper normal just happened to me and you will completely and utterly believe what happened next.
13. There are no super-realistic Disney princesses in real-life situations on this list.
14. There are no sick dogs, healthy dogs, dogs spending their last day going to a theme park, dogs speaking, dogs being shamed, dogs chasing stuff, dogs dressed as superheroes, nor hot dogs. Except for that dog in the picture. It is sad. Because you won’t read this list.
15. There is no food on this list and you won’t know where or what I just ate.
16. This list does not count down the days until holiday x.
17. This list does not present a picture that you absolutely disagree/agree with that tries to shame/motivate you into liking/sharing to prove you agree/disagree and are therefore a saint/monster/criminal/socialist/good person.
18. This list contains no #stupidtagsthatatreuselessandannoying. #amfarting
19. This list doesn’t pair celebrities with their doppelgängers, human or otherwise.
20. You will not learn what character/celebrity/politician you are most like after answering survey questions like, “What flavor ice cream do you order at Baskin-Robbins?”
21. There’s nothing about Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Downton Abbey, Marvel, or Star Wars here.
22. I do not identify as anything I wouldn’t obviously identify as just based on what I appear to be. I’m a bald fat white guy. WYSIWYG.
23. There are no memes here. Said nobody ever.
24. Drivers in (insert state name here) will not feel stupid for not knowing this rule.
25. There are no beach legs, beach feet, beach toes, or beach beers.
26. There are no ecards featuring vintage hand-drawn people bitching about laundry and not having enough wine to drink.

Robert Pipkin is not a thought leader. He writes stuff sometimes. He’s really good at talking about writing stuff that doesn’t end up getting written.