The one with the disbelieving lawyer and his unwavering faith in ‘chemistry’

It’s time we talked about Tinder. Or The Stindies as it is known in certain circles (just mine really). I joined the world that is Tinder a month or so after my break up, originally on a dare. I was skeptical about this app and was worried about my privacy. Plus, let’s face it, guys can be dicks online. But I like to think of myself as a bit of a yes man, so after a drink or two at a friend’s BBQ, low and behold, Tinder was downloaded and a profile created.

I’m not going to go into what Tinder is like. What I will say is this: I’ve been lucky to have conversed and met with nice enough guys. There are definitely female friends that have copped abuse when they haven’t been interested in a guy or responded quickly enough. Having said all that, it somewhat annoys me that I have to consider myself ‘lucky’ that I have been treated with respect by another human. This is one of those shitty things about being a woman (but let’s face it, being a woman is fucking awesome, so I wouldn’t change a thing).

So onto the story of the Disbelieving Lawyer.

Now, when I tell this story in real life, Disbelieving Lawyer (DL) is actually known as Narcissistic Wanker. But as we have already had a character called Narcissist Guy, I’ve given him a new alias. He will however, always be remembered and thought of as Narcissistic Wanker.

DL and I met on Tinder. He had great texting game, and appeared confident and fun. There were jokes about each of us assessing each other and ascertaining whether we would pass each other’s compatibility test on the date before committing to the second part of our arranged date (essentially, brunch, and if we liked each other, we would go for a wander around the lake).

So on a fine Saturday morning, DL and I met up for brunch. The Disbelieving Lawyer is a good looking guy with good conversational skills. Very initially, I was enjoying myself and genuinely felt enthusiastic. But as our date continued, the more he spoke, the more annoyed I was getting. You see, DL liked to talk. A lot. About himself. Even questions he asked of me began with him answering them for himself. He was also quite boastful of every little achievement. I’m all for being proud of your achievements. But this was something else. A kind of being boastful for existing attitude, let alone achieving (and naturally he had achieved; did we mention yet he was A LAWYER? No? Best to mention it again. LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER).

The brunch finishes and we go for this walk. I’m quite keen to leave and am plotting my exit strategy when the Disbelieving Lawyer suggests we sit down by the lake. I’m immediately suspicious and beginning to feel stuck. Of course, my instinct was right and he took it upon himself to kiss me. I’m all for a pash. But this was a first date, after brunch, before midday. It’s like consuming alcohol before lunch. It’s frowned upon. But the worst was to come. Because not only did he kiss me, before our lips locked (and by golly, the memory is making me want to hurl), he suddenly puts his finger on my lips and whispers, “Go slow”.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Talk about being inauthentic and just all round fake. I felt I was in an episode of Bold and the Beautiful. It was so manufactured, the whole freaking thing. And I desperately wanted out. He kisses me again and begins to stroke my hair, telling me that I’m beautiful and have shiny hair. At this point I’m hoping some sort of emergency happens, perhaps a drowning in the lake so that I might legitimately jump into the water to escape.

Finally I tell him I need to make a move as I have plans and we walk back to our cars. He kisses me again and I thank him for brunch (he insisted on paying and the good girl in me felt obliged to be polite). He walks away without saying anything, not even good bye, and I yell out, “Hey! This is where you’re meant to say you’re welcome!” His response?

DL: “You’ll have to wait to find out if you were worth it.” And with that he makes a dramatic turn and walks away.

Now I hope you understand where the name Narcissistic Wanker came from.

So here I am, praying to all the gods, asking them to please, PLEASE don’t make him text me again. But as is the way of the world, the guys you LIKE don’t text, and the ones you DON’T LIKE, DO text. Two days later, I receive a text from DL. Now there is no way paraphrasing can do this exchange justice, so here it is, word for word (with names and locations changed/omitted for privacy):

DL: “Attention RS, hope Monday’s treating you well. I just wanted to say that I enjoyed brunch the other day. The company was ok too :P
I’m going to be a little busy this week, and in <interstate> until next Monday afternoon but would love to catch up over a glass of whisky early next week. When are you free?” — Monday, 5:06pm.

RS: “Hi DL. It was lovely to meet you on Saturday, however, I didn’t feel a connection. So despite your tempting offer of whisky, I am going to have to decline. All the best with your training and discovery of Canberra.” — Tuesday, 1:09pm.

DL: “RS, I’m a little confused.
You told me you had a lot of fun, and that you wanted to introduce me to <bar> (and your housemate!) before we then kissed goodbye. Is everything ok? I’d love to give you a call this afternoon.” — Tuesday, 2:24pm.

RS: “I did enjoy myself but on reflection the connection wasn’t what I was after. I apologise if my enthusiasm has led to confusion. It was genuine enthusiasm despite my current feelings on the situation. I don’t want to waste your time or mine so best to say so now.” — Tuesday, 3:14pm

DL: xxxx called. No voicemail message was left — Tuesday, 6:07pm.

DL: “RS, I realise this is an indulgence (on my part) but what happened to your feelings after we parted company on Saturday? Surely this isn’t one of the ‘mind fucks’ you told me you intended to play?
We had a lot of fun/chemistry on our first date. I’m sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but surely deeper conversations and connections will evolve with time?” — Tuesday, 6:22pm.

DL: “Evidently not. :P
Good luck with <profession>, Tinder, and finding the one.” — Thursday, 5:24pm.

And there we have it. The Disbelieving Lawyer could not BELIEVE that someone could have a different opinion to him and/or change their mind. Not only that, he was OFFENDED that I could not see that we had chemistry. BUT WE HAD CHEMISTRY! Oh, did we? Shit, my bad. Right, well let’s jump into this relationship immediately.

I’m not sure what he thought his texts/bullying would achieve. Was I meant to start swooning and think, ‘Jeepers, of course my feelings on the situation are completely wrong! I’m such a female for thinking I know what I want and don’t want. I’m so glad a man told me what to feel and think instead. I feel so safe in the world knowing I can trust what a man says AND NOT MY OWN FUCKING ASSESSMENT OF THE SITUATION. I am most grateful to you, Disbelieving Lawyer, for making me see the light and the error of my ways.’

But you know what. It wasn’t all bad. This is the most requested dating story from my friends. And so a little part of me is grateful for the experience. But goddammit, if anyone ever tries to kiss me while simultaneously telling me to go slow ever again, I will fucking cut you.

Until next time…

Peace and love, RS