The one with the zone defence: tales of the spinster
This is the story of Lost Boy. We were introduced to each other by my housemate when I crashed the end of their catch up dinner one night. We ran into each other again at my housemate’s birthday a few weeks later and arranged to meet up for a date.
Lost Boy is an entrepreneur, a serious business man, but also a bit of a party animal. I liked this dichotomy in him. He is an all rounder, a bit serious, but also a bit playful. He and I got along really well. We laughed at the trivial and supported each other through the serious. He’s generous and thoughtful. I had a heap of fun with him, culminating in one date where we partied until late the next morning with his legend friends. We had our first kiss that night and made tentative plans to meet again.
He messaged me the next day and again a few days later. And then….. nothing. He went radio silent on me. About a week later I texted him. It took him five days to respond and when he did, it was to apologise for his phone not working (lies — he owns several businesses. No way would he go without a phone for that long). The words he used seemed cheery, but the sub text was obvious: I was being snubbed. I didn’t understand what had happened between our last date and this snubbing. I tamed my natural curiosity, decided to cut my losses and chose to not respond to his text.
A month after this, I ran into him outside of a nightclub at around 2am. I was most definitely a little loose and when I saw him, I proceeded to slap his arse (drunk privilege). I want to say up front that I had no ill feelings towards Lost Boy. He is legitimately a great guy (apart from his disappearing act). We hugged and I proceeded to tell him I was drunk. He replied that he too was drunk. I took this to mean that I could be forthcoming with him and thus said to him, “you’re a bit of a shit cunt.”
He laughed, embarrassed, nodded, stating, “yep.” He then back tracked, asking, “wait, why am I a shit cunt?” I said that he knew why, but he wanted to hear me say the words anyway (god knows why). So I told him essentially this: you disappeared after we had a good time and that’s ok if you don’t want anything more from this, because I’m happy for us to be friends, but you could have said something rather than simply disappearing. He agrees with this.
I proffer him my hand, intending to shake on the fact that we have declared ourselves to be friends. But then he tells me he doesn’t want to be my friend. I don’t know why but I begin to laugh. I find it incredibly funny. I have mostly let go of any feelings I have for this guy, not having heard from him for a month. His declaration was closure, even if not the most delicate of revelations. I tell him it was nice hanging out with you and turn to make my way back into the club.
Lost Boy grabs my hand and staring deep into my eyes says, “RS, you scare the shit out of me.”
He proceeds to say all these wonderful things about me, and the dates we’ve had. He says he has self-sabotaged. He kisses me and it’s more than nice. He wants to know if I understand, he is desperate for me to understand.
Yes, I understand. You’re vulnerable. You felt all the feels and it scared you. To manage this, you avoided and ran away. I get it. It’s so human. I’ve done it myself. And yet it’s a little cliche: ‘guy has commitment issues’. I giggle and go inside the nightclub leaving him outside.
About an hour later I am departing for my next destination. Lost Boy is once again outside, this time with a friend of his who I know. The friend gives me a big hug and a kiss (and a durry). I tell them I’m leaving and Lost Boy kisses me. I kiss him back and then I leave.
And then I giggle all the way to my friend’s house about the absurdity of it all.
I don’t hear from him again. Aside from the giggling on the night this happened (exacerbated by the alcohol no doubt), I completely empathise with Lost Boy. Except, I also feel a little sad for him. I am not going to sit here and say that feeling vulnerable is easy. It most definitely is not (you can read the blog post about all my vulnerable feelings here). But being vulnerable is also powerful if you can embrace it. Brene Brown speaks about vulnerability forming the basis of human connection. It is essential in establishing trust and deep connections. So while I might not enjoy it, it’s also the thing that has contributed to the meaningfulness of most of my closest friendships and relationships.
So… friend zoned (or not) Blerg.
And he’s not the only one. There’s been friend zoning by other guys for other reasons, such as not wanting to mess up a friendship, not wanting a potential relationship to interfere with career prospects, and so on. That is perhaps what sucks about all of this. These separate incidents of friend zoning don’t hurt, but the cumulative effect of repeat zoning starts to take a toll. I will always choose friendship over no relationship if the guy is cool enough. Of course I will.
But sometimes it feels a little shitty. And perhaps this is what makes me sad for me in this situation: I don’t know how to be anyone but myself. Should I feel flattered that someone who I have a great connection with wants to only be my friend? It seems I should be grateful or something of the sort. But I find it difficult not to at least consider what it was about me that wasn’t good enough. I mostly try not to dwell on this. I know a huge part of it is most definitely not me at all. Maybe they can only handle my ‘crazy’ in small doses. Hmm.
I also feel a little out of kilter about dating and the ‘game’ you’re meant to play, ala, ‘don’t text, you’ll scare them… do text or they won’t know you like them… don’t tell them you’re enjoying their company, they’ll think you want more… be more coy, it’s more exciting.’
Blerg. It’s just making me disillusioned with the whole thing. I just want to be me, without much thought about what is supposedly right or wrong. It’s difficult enough having to be vulnerable without having to second guess your every move.
I spoke to a good friend recently about all this and some of the difficulties of dating, being vulnerable, and playing the ‘game’. He had this to say:
“What I want is someone who will be crazy with me and who I can be crazy with too. Because at the end of the day, there’s rhyme and reason to my crazy, it just needs to be understood.”
Hear hear.
So, is there someone out there that understands my brand of cray cray? Perhaps this spinster is just destined to forever be the third wheel with a whole bunch of awesome friends by her side.
But… for all the ups and downs of this year, at least I feel alive. I wouldn’t trade that for anything
#spinster4lyfe #winning
Until next time…
Peace and love, RS
