Mostly, I work hard to create, find, and magnify the positives in my life. But, then there are times like this. Times when I need to honestly express how I’m feeling, in spite of the fact that my feelings are not positive. Times when I need to get out from under the pile of crap, before I can do anything else.
Those of you who’ve followed me for a while, may have picked up that the past two years or so, have been some of the darkest of my 55-plus years. Calling them shitty, is not exaggeration, it’s understatement.
However, those loyal followers will know that I’ve also worked really hard to redefine myself, rediscover myself, and to seek light in the darkness. And, for the most part, I’ve had some success.
Over the past month or so, it seemed that my hard work had begun to pay off. I felt like I’d begun to rediscover my creative, positive, generally sunny self. I found myself looking forward to the next day — even on a Monday. Life began to seem that bit brighter and lighter. It looked like things might be starting to come together.
Last week’s post on Medium was, in my opinion, some of my best work ever; something I’m really proud of; a small win, on the way to where I want to be. Even my little computer support & consultancy business had started picking up a bit recently. For the first time in many months, I was earning some money, and my bank balance was black, not red.
You’ve no doubt heard the positively hopeful saying, “The darkest hour is just before dawn.”? Well, unfortunately, my current saying of the day seems to be:
“The brightest hour is just before the storm!”.
I feel like I’m suddenly in the midst of Shit Storm Robin. (in the storm-naming tradition) Murphy’s Law states that, “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” The second corollary to Murphy’s Law, states that, “Anything that cannot go wrong, will still go wrong.” I think I might just be living Murphy’s Law at the moment — part one and two.
After more than two years of constant, extremely high stress, in almost all areas of life, my body finally seems to have said, “Enough!” I won’t gross you out with details. Suffice to say that life is currently exhausted, painful and uncomfortable.
A few weeks ago, my high-end laptop stopped working. It’s not only a vital tool for my computer business, but also, along with my camera, my primary tool for all my creative work. After looking at it myself, I eventually sent it to a specialist. Let’s just say that the repair is going to cost far more than I have, or have had for quite some time.
Oh yes. My primary (read only) transport, my motorcycle has just needed some pretty pricey repairs. I got it back from the workshop yesterday.
Then of course, there is the kicker — right to the soft and tender bits. My 2-Terabyte hard drive, which is only just over a year old, which stores all my photographs and digital art work, crashed. Currently I’m attempting data recovery on it, but it’s not looking particularly promising.
Oh yes, it’s also my daughter’s 19th birthday on Friday, and I’d really love to do something special for her … but …
Life in the midst of the shit storm is pretty dark, hopeless, depressing … and it stinks.
As we used to joke in the Navy, when we were seasick:
“The only thing keeping me alive right now, is the hope that I’ll die.”
So, what does one do in the midst of a shit storm?
- Well, firstly, you take pain pills.
- Then, put a metaphorical clothes peg on your nose, and try to find, then reinforce some sense of normalcy and balance. You sit down to write.
- When your brain is overwhelmed by the thought of writing a blog post, you write this. It was this, or nothing, and I just couldn’t allow myself to surrender to the temptation of writing nothing.
- Next, I will phone the workshop that is fixing my laptop, and tell them to go ahead. I’ll do this as an expression of faith, that somehow, I’ll have the money to pay for it when needed.
- Finally, I’m going to go for a ride on my newly-fixed bike, and maybe even take my fishing rod with me.
Small steps — hopefully toward the light.
Not my usual style or content, but honest. Sometimes creative living needs to vent to move forward. While I must admit that this was written mainly for my own benefit — to get out from under the pile — I hope that something in its honest expression will also benefit those of you that managed to read it.