21 Things that are just like getting your wisdom teeth out

Because even if you haven’t had your wisdom teeth removed, you’ve basically experienced it in other parts of your life, you just might not have realized it. So let me be the first to share with you what you’re not missing out on.

Getting my wisdom teeth out was a lot like…

…doing drugs for the first time in that the person who gave me gas kept asking “are you feeling it yet?”
…a road trip in that someone else picked the music because they’re driving and I had to sit there quietly and politely while they sang along
…a juice cleanse in that I’m only drinking liquids and telling everyone about it even though they never asked
…my relationship with my mother in that my surgeons were both strong female figures whom I was trying desperately not to disappoint
…a middle school soccer game in that I kept hearing “you’re doing great” in a patronizing and disinterested tone
…my favorite cereal in that there was a lot of snapping, crackling, and popping
…taking a college environmental science course in that I kept hearing the words “irrigation” and “damming” but wasn’t really paying attention
…a game of mad libs in that a lot of words sounded made up from other real words like “mouth bridge” and “tooth endurance”
…San Francisco weather in that I couldn’t drink anything for a long time and then there was a flood of liquids in quick succession
…a weekend in Palm Springs in that I’m doing a lot of drugs and strangers are putting things in my mouth (I’m assuming, I’ve never actually been to Palm Springs)
…an alien abduction in that they shoved a bright light in my eyes, performed an operation on a sensitive orifice of my body and then sent me back into the human world
…a high school football game in that I’m pretty sure I tasted blood early on but didn’t want to say anything because I wanted to seem tough
…getting drunk and cutting myself, thus getting blood on my favorite shirt and regretting wearing said shirt out. Also the pounding headache afterwards
…meeting a celebrity in that I constantly wanted to take a selfie, but didn’t want to be that guy who asked to take a selfie (but then took one anyway)
…being in a meeting where the topic of discussion was way over my head so when they asked if I was following along all I could do was nod and agree with what’s happening
…an underhanded compliment because when they said “my my, your bones are so strong!” what they meant was “goddam those fuckers put up a fight coming out of your jaw”
…childbirth because after the first one, the second and third were much easier, and (this is true) after she pulled the third and smallest tooth she held it up to show me and said “look how cute it is! It’s a boy!” which is also an incredible jab at gender norms 🙌
…a middle school birthday party because I got a goodie bag at the end of it with things I’ll only use for a day and then discard
…a middle school birthday party in San Francisco because the goodie bag is actually a functional tote bag which I will now use for grocery shopping
…taking a cross country flight and turning your phone back on expecting hundreds of messages from loving friends and family only to find one lonely email from your credit card company offering a low APR
…Netflix and chilling except I’m now actually incapacitated and watching Netflix

I’m sure I’m the only one who asked to take a selfie so it’s cool

So as you can see, wisdom tooth surgery is really just a culmination of other experiences in life rolled into one half hour of drug-fueled self-reflection. I hope this piece still stands on its own when my drugs wear off…