ONE YEAR LATER…A BIPOLAR JOURNEY…

A fb post written to friends and family:

“My apologies to everyone about my very dramatic escape to Paris...it certainly wasn’t my plan...however it finally became obvious to me that if I am ever going to achieve a stable mental state again I need to listen to myself and myself alone.

As many of you know I publicly and openly spent 2 1/2 weeks at the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Hospital last September. I trusted the doctors and did exactly what they told me to but in the end their choices of how to handle my mental difference led me into the deepest and darkest depression of my life. My partner of nearly 4 years also broke up with me which was devastating. We had a ring that I found and purchased on Etsy. It only cost $1300 and is an antique from the 1920s. However, 2 days ago I asked my ex boyfriend to make a trade with me. I offered my old car for my ring but he said 'No' because it would be 'a bad business decision'. Needless to say I was very upset with this response and gave him a piece of my mind...his response, to say he never wants to see me again. This is an impossibility because we are sharing our two dogs. And anyone that knows me knows Goldie and Jasmine are my world. So Shawn, Kyle, Abdullah and the rest of his friends need to talk to him and help him see how his perspective on this situation is unfair. He left me so I have every right to let him know how he made me feel. Also, he is keeping my ring hostage. I still find it unbelievable that he did not return it to me once we broke up. The ring is not his it is mine...so if you could also save my ring for me that would be lovely!

No one knows how tramatic my life has been. I was molested as a child, nearly raped at 17 and have been left of rejected by every single man I gave/wanted to give my heart to. I am so tiered and I need a vacation from life so I will be in Europe until the middle of September...I will be home for Carp Fair of course!

I have no doubt that people think that my fleeing the country is a sign of instability but in fact it was the first time I've every truly made a decision based on love for myself. I have always hated myself and have struggled with mental illness since I was a child. I haven't like myself since I was about 4 years old...not hating myself has been transformative for me. And I intend to keep it that way. And now I know that my manic response last summer was an attempt by my brain to regain a state of balance. Everything has an equal and opposite reaction and this fact applies to the brain as well. While I am very thankful for the Royal Ottawa and everything it has done for me it doesn't change the fact that in patient care is run like a prison system. My stay there was extremely tramatic and transformative and the rest of my life will be dedicated to changing the treatment and perception of people with mental health. I can say with absolute certainty that I would have committed suicide years ago was it not for experiencing that trauma brought about by suicide when I was 16 years old. Chris Hood, the brother of my best friend and son of one of my many second families has truly been my guardian angel. Everything I do I do in his memory and honor. Although I never met him I know his spirit and soul and will never be able to repay him and his family.

I love you all to the moon and back and I'll see you soon I promise! But I have to take care of myself first and foremost because if not everything I have learned will be of no purpose or use. I finally going to make a documentary...the only thing I've every wanted to do but something I thought was an impossibility. Only a few short months ago I was stuck in bed so depressed that I was on the verge of soiling myself daily because getting out a bed to go to the washroom was like climbing Mount Everest with no oxygen. I pray you all never feel the pain of such mental hell. Hell doesn't exist in some fiery place...it is what we have chosen to create through capitalism...and if you think you can justify capitalism you LITERALLY have no idea what you are talking about and have been mentally molded into such a perspective. My goal is to document and explain how and why this happens and that is why I came to Europe and Paris specifically. One day you will understand why.

Your friend forever and always,

Robyn aka QLB (lol!)”

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