Duck Dynasty Rescue 9-1-1

Richard Simmons and the Bible can save the day AND create a ratings Bonanza!

Okay kids, this solution is better than all the rest.

And more importantly, a ratings booster. Also, it’ll fix Duck Dynasty — so it doesn’t, “Dy nasty.”

First: The problem.

Perhaps A&E might consider vetting their planned for heroes in the future.

It’s two-fold.

  1. A&E didn’t do their homework, and
  2. It turns out patriarch of the Duck Dynasty, the likeable and soft spoken, Phil Robertson, harbors intensely dark, swampy views towards gay men.

(Phil’s video rants for the most part, skirt lesbians.)

Phil Roberston now. Not so happy happy happy.

Now for the solution.

Also two-fold.

Richard Simmons!

The human exclamation mark.

We searched long and hard for a prayerful example of Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons because even Phil, who seems actually quite fearful of gay men, wouldn’t be afraid of Richard Simmons.

(Not sure how Richard might feel about Phil.)

Now for the rescue.

The Storyline

Miss Kay visits the doctor and is told she must lose weight and exercise.

Since we all root for Miss Kay, and are deeply sorry this woman who has endured so much — while exhibiting such grace; we are relieved to know Miss Kay finally decides to address her own health issues.

(We really do love Miss Kay.)

Thus, enter the whirling dervish known as Richard Simmons. He splashes into the swamplands to teach Miss Kay learn to love eating more veggies, less gravy, and most of all, to begin a love affair for exercise.

Shots of Miss Kay and Richard exercising, and dare we say, bonding, begin.

Next —cut to interior shots.

Phil wanders into the kitchen. (In fairness to Richard, some of the cutlery we will have been removed.) Mild tension builds. Or in Hollywood terms:

The plot thickens!

(The plot, not the waistline.)

However, in the end, after making new recipes and exercising with Richard — Phil begins to see Richard as a real person. Buried deep in his heart, Phil feels the small stone of hatred move. At first he confuses it with heartburn.

Eventually Phil realizes God doesn’t make mistakes, and embraces Richard. Well, not literally.



Because — ratings!

Also, because Richard loves helping all people — including the long suffering Miss Kay. Thus, Richard works hard to help save Miss Kay from an early grave.

The kicker:

Eventually, Phil finally notices it’s Richard’s love for Miss Kay, as reflected in his actions, (as well as the newer, slimmer Miss Kay), that is actually a healthier demonstration of love in action, than Phil’s love, which is best summed up with Phil repeatedly stating in his slow drawl,

“Miss Kay has never turned me down.”

The episode concludes with Richard invited to share a meal at the Robertson dinner table; and Phil, while thanking God for His blessings, winds up giving thanks to God for….you guessed it: Richard Simmons!

Happy happy happy.

I gotta get an agent, stat.

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