One of those days…
I am alone in my room. It is a very small room just outside Paris, in a student residence in the suburbs. And I cannot help feeling very small myself too. It is one of those days.
I have been doing quite well lately, such a surprise after “the fall”, as I like to call it. It is my second day in the city just after the conference. In total, 10 days have passed after leaving Mexico, and even if it’s not the first time that I leave my country I still felt very nervous before doing it. I was very afraid of this trip, but I pushed myself into doing it. It’s not that I’m a masochist as much as it is a matter of accomplishing what I started, what have costed me so much effort. I was very afraid, and I know that many people that care for me were afraid too, it was madness trying to take that plane after what happened. Still, I did it, and I don’t regret it. I had to do it. I desperately needed to feel myself again.
It is not the first time that I do this kind of trip, I have done it 3 times already, but this time is not the same. It does not feel the same. I wanted to feel myself again, I tried to feel myself by doing my usual thing. But it turned out that I am not the one I was before my fall. I feel different, still I’m more myself than ever before. If it makes sense. And if it doesn’t, even more. Lately, things don’t make sense in my life.
I’m listening to “The Killers”, and suddenly “…don’t break character, you’ve got so much heart…” touches my heart so warmly. I want to cry, I have wanted to cry since yesterday, but I haven’t been able to do it. Yes, it is a gray, sad, hard day for me. It’s one of those days in which surviving is so difficult, being outside in the world even more. Being reasonably presentable is just a massive amount of work. And I have achieved it, kind of, half a day at least. Yes, I feel small, ugly, dumb, unimportant…but not neglectable, not null. I still am. And I know I’ll be more, and better…happier. Not today and maybe not this week. But I will be. And I will achieve. Even in this condition. I am capable even this way. I accept myself as I am. I accept this new me too, new to my knowledge at least.
It hasn’t been easy. I accept the way I feel now, I know by now that I cannot fight it. I know that depression lies. And it is taking all my energy away. It’s shaping my thinking about the world and myself. But it will not win, not against me. I am so used to tell this to myself lately, as to convince me. I tell to myself that it will not see me death, but I lie too. I don’t know that. I just know that today it will not win. It will not put me static neither sad forever. I will move and I will push myself to achieve what I want, and I will be happy, sooner or later. Not now, today I will be a small particle of dust, I will sleep, even afraid of the nightmares, I will sleep and rest. And wait, and pushed through, to the day that I feel better. That day will come. I know. In that way, I’m an optimist.
My experience tells me that this will not last forever, I will have good days too, maybe just a few in a row. But this small particle will have the size of a normal human being, and will have the precise amount of happiness that a normal human being is capable of. For now, I will sleep through the nightmares, and until that day.
#Depression, #Sad, #Optimism