Fuck Brunch

Yeah, I said it. Fuck brunch! That meal being spread across our cities and suburbs by those excruciating hipsters. They’re a counter-cultural virus who’ve infected a perfectly innocent late morning snack, mutating it into a pretentious gastronomic event that can apparently now take place at pretty much any time of day. These fashionista philistines will regularly schedule brunch in the afternoon. You read that correctly…2PM is a now legitimate brunching time. This madness has got to stop!

Brunch is supposed to be a meal that sits between breakfast and lunch — that no-mans-land somewhere between 10:30AM and 12 noon. It’s too late for breakfast but too early to be considered lunch.

Brunch is in fact a portmanteau[1] of the words “breakfast” and “lunch”. So if there was ever any confusion over what brunch is, the meaning is quite literally in its name…between BReakfast and lUNCH. Comprende!? And since 12 noon is internationally recognised as the start of lunch, then brunch simply cannot extend beyond this threshold, regardless of what the bearded bohemians say.

Their arguments for the reclassification of this centuries-old meal are tenuous, and by “tenuous” I mean “retarded”. They say brunch is a weekend phenomena, an activity reserved for Sunday…maybe Saturday if you’re sufficiently hungover. This makes no sense. It means that if your first meal of the day on, say, a Wednesday is at noon, then that’s lunch. But if it’s a Sunday then it’s brunch. As if waking up on the weekend in a liquor-infused haze isn’t tough enough, now you must triangulate the day and time with your astrological star sign to figure out how to correctly label your first meal of the day.

Others argue that brunch isn’t so much about what time you eat, but what you eat, which is perhaps the least coherent brunch revisionist argument you’ll hear.

The theory goes like this: if you eat “breakfast food” any time from around 11AM onwards, then you are in fact having brunch, not lunch. Eggs and bacon at 1PM? That’s brunch. Spaghetti bolognese? That’s lunch. It means that you and I could go to a restaurant at midday and, depending on what food we each order, you could be having brunch while I’m having lunch….which is patently insane. Unlike wave-particle duality in quantum mechanics, the midday meal cannot simultaneously hold two states.

Diehard brunch evangelists will tell you that brunch is a group event, a social activity to be enjoyed at highfaluting restaurants and cafes where $40 and an about-to-expire Groupon will get you a sliver of free range, grass-fed salmon served on a bed of organic smugness. According to this redefinition, you can’t brunch alone. You must be joined by others: others who ideally work in media and are named Victoria, Millie or Thomas in a non-ironic way.

People, it’s time to draw a line and call bullshit on brunch revisionism. Let’s calibrate our meal times once and for all to bring an end of this culinary nonsense. Repeat after me: breakfast is any time from when you crawl out of bed up until 10:30AM; brunch is between 10:30AM and noon; lunch takes place from noon to 3PM, maybe 4PM…tops. This schedule holds no matter the day of week or what liberal arts degree you hold.

Why is this so important? Why crusade to protect the sanctity of brunch? Cause if we let things slide on brunch, god only knows which meal will be next up for bastardisation. And when that happens ISIS wins, or at the very least, the Kardashians do.

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  1. A portmanteau is a linguistic blend of words. I guess I could simply have said “brunch is a blend of the words breakfast and lunch”, but portmanteau has a fittingly pretentious ring to it.
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