Today is a bad day

Today is a bad day for me. And it’s only 7:43 am.

Today I had a huge fight with my husband and then had to remain calm while driving my daughter to school.

Today I was pulled over by a traffic officer and slapped with a R500 fine. R500 I don’t have on my piss poor salary after all expenses are paid. R500 I’m sweating bullets over while I do all my little calculations so we can survive the next few months.

Don’t get me wrong I deserved the fine and I was just as much at fault fighting with my husband as he was.

But it doesn’t help. I’m angry and sad and stressed. I drove to a work I’m not really happy in and was late for already. And I was crying.

These were the first tears I’ve shed since the numbing, constant unhappiness took over.

It’s been there for a while now, but in the last month it has started taking over again. I wouldn’t call it depression. That is what some of my friends have and I know what the signs look like, I don’t have it. I’m just constantly unhappy, with everything but most of all with myself.

I understand now why my mother has been so unhappy most of her life. It’s a crippling force that, once it gets hold of you, consumes you till you can’t even offer a smile for your own children.

The crying was a relief. It made me feel just a little bit better. But it didn’t take away my two year old urge to swing the steering wheel and wrap the car around a tree to end my misery.

Before you start worrying. I’ve never had this urge with my daughter present. My desire to always keep her safe seems to be a stronger force. Or maybe she just calms me. I don’t know. All I know is she stops me from wanting to hurt myself.

But today remains bad.

I wanted to hurt someone. To make them feel the same sadness I feel. But if I did that I really would be an asshole. I was a total bitch to the traffic officer though. I wanted to scream at him, but I didn’t. I might have soured his day, or not. I don’t know.

One thing I do know is unhappiness begets unhappiness. If you’re not vigilant and keep that fake smile on your face, and always try to stay calm, it spreads.

This has always been my motto. Don’t be rude. Don’t be mean. Stay calm and be nice.

But I just can’t anymore.

Tomorrow I’ll try to be nicer to my husband. He probably deserves a better wife. I need to be more present with my daughter. She definitely deserves a better mother.

Tomorrow I’ll try to hate those around me less. I know it’s just the unhappiness pushing those negative thoughts around in my head.

Tomorrow I’ll remind myself that I have it pretty easy compared to others. I’ll focus on the fact that my life is actually quite good, and slap that little smile on my face again.

Tomorrow I’ll figure out how to pay that piece-of-shit fine.

But not today.

I probably come across as a whiny little girl right now. I certainly will to my husband and his family. And I probably am just being one. But right now I don’t care.

Today is just a really bad day.

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