Is it better to love? Or to like?
OK, so in a few weeks I’m coming up to our 19-year wedding anniversary. I know there are lot of jokes out there about getting less on a life sentence for murder. But hey, stay tuned ;-)
Sometimes the road travelled by the Señor and myself has been reasonably smooth with minor bumps and hiccups that anyone can expect. At other times it’s been a rocky road of contempt, anger, annoyance and hatred.
Yep, I said it. I have hated him.
At times I have hated my husband with the vengeance of a 16th Century Witch construing such malevolence of untold wickedness. A fork to the eye? Perhaps.
A spell that would make his iPhone disappear to parts of the body that should not harbour such technology, ever. Yes! Yes! But I’m unaware of that spell, unfortunately.
And yet despite such hatred at times, (on both party’s I might add) we some how manage to work our way through it. It’s not been easy but the most important ingredient in our relationship is that we like each other.
I know, I know, you want me to say love and you want me to tell you that the romance blossoms and there are flowers, chocolates and champagne. Very occasionally. Most definitely in the first 5- 8 years of the relationship but now it’s a conversation that results in both of us identifying the blame in ourselves and moving forward and not dwelling on it.
Not always, but mostly.
We like each other, a lot. We have a lot in common and then again we are so different.
Many have said it before that there is a very fine line between love and hate. It can turn very quickly. If you meet a guy or girl you like you are half way there in finding a good relationship. Love comes and goes in relationships and it changes too. You rarely fall out of ‘Like’ with someone, but you can fall out of ‘Love’.
Marriage is a full-time job. It’s not hearts and roses and romantic dinners and wild sex. Sure sometimes that happens, but once you are in a long term relationship you start expecting different things from each other, wanting different things from each other.
If you are in a career that you love and it means the world to you, then times that by 10 being in a marriage. It’s a commitment. When you add kids into the scenario, well the commitment bar just got raised by times 50 and then multiply that by 50 per child.
Arguments will happen, and don’t be afraid to let them happen. You’ve got to air your grievances. If you keep them internalised you have ‘a fork in the eye’ situation that could brew.
Couples who don’t argue usually end up splitting up. I’ve heard this through multiple sources. Those sources being formally married and now split up. If you don’t have arguments where is the passion? If you don’t have the ability to show your ugly side to your partner in an argument how on earth are they ever going to appreciate your beauty? You have to be yourself in a relationship and not some representation of a person who you think you should be.
Of course if you argue too much, there are deeper issues and you need to seek advice from a Therapist.
Arguments suck but they are a much needed starting point to peace sometimes. Any physical or emotional abuse is completely unacceptable but a good old-fashioned airing of grievances occasionally can be the glue that starts patching up your problems.
Providing you like each other.
Which gets me back to like. I know it’s not a very sexy concept when you are in the throws of desire, infatuation and engaged in the hedonistic pursuit of pleasuring each other. Please take me back there ;-)
But once the one nightstand is over or the 3 nights or the month, take a step back and really look and see if you like this person. Do you want to be drinking red wine with this person in your PJ’s, no make-up, hair unwashed and discussing the ridiculousness of bank interest rates? Or the cost of your child’s education? Or your strange neighbours who like revving their V8 engine car at 5:45am? Or whether you’ll be having his family over this year for Christmas? By the way you’ll be cooking .
Or would you rather go back to your fabulous single life with a grin on your face, treasure some fabulous memories, drink the bottle of red wine on your own and call him up next time you have an itch?
Would you like to do that? Or love to do that?
You have choices never forget that.