Your story is very similar to mine and I am still trying to figure out what to do. It seems we also both have “girl on our phone” pictures we love.

I never wanted to be a girl when I was a kid until I hit puberty, and all of the sudden was assaulted by feelings. It wasn’t their clothes, but I wanted the bodies of all the girls around me. I wished I was allowed to shave my legs. I was jealous of their curves. It just felt so obvious to me that I would have preferred to be one of the girls in school, despite all my boyish interests and personality, and I began to feel cheated at birth.

While thinking about being a girl, I wanted to experiment what it would be like to not have a penis, so I folded it into myself while laying face-first on my bed and had an unprompted orgasm without knowing what it was, or why it felt so good. Ever since, that behavior has continued to plague me and made me an “autogynephile.” I don’t crossdress, but this is my indulgence of shame.

I don’t believe I am a girl, but I’ve wanted to be one for most of my life. I’m not sure what to do, but my feelings and behavior have gotten in the way of romantic relationships.