Alpha -> Beta -> Life?
When I was 18, I had just graduated from nursing school, but I wanted to study some more. I had dreams of becoming a community educator, psychiatric nurse, social worker, care manager… I was lost with what I wanted to do, but I was sure I was on the right path. I had a hard time dealing with the fact I didn’t know what I wanted to “become”, and all I wanted was to time-travel a few years ahead.
“By then, I would have it all figured out and I could start living”.
This idea of “Then I’ll start living” is something I’ve been holding up to my entire life. Basically I’m telling myself; “I wont enjoy this part of my life, because I believe that in the future life will be more enjoyable”. I don’t know who to blame, but this has been my mindset as long as I can remember.
“Two more days until Friday”
“In 3 years I’ll have an occupation”
“When I’m 18 I’ll get to do so much stuff”
“When I’m 20 I’ll get to do even more”
“When I’m 30 I’ll have it all figured out”
When I was 19 I realized that maybe working as a nurse wasn’t my thing after all. I was more interested in the programs we used to document medical reports than writing them. The system had made me physically and emotionally tired, and convinced me to believe that I shouldn’t aspire for anything more; since I already had an occupation. Not so much later, I made a big decision, started to study programming independently, and dreamt about getting accepted in to an engineering school.
For a very momentary and short period in my life I knew I was supposed to stop dreaming and start doing. Or at least balance between those two. After some time I found myself wishing for time to pass again.
“I wish I already knew how to code”
“I wish I was already in school”
“I wish I could stop working as a nurse”
“I wish I already had some friends with the same interests”
There is nothing wrong with dreaming, wishing and wanting. Until they start to control your making.
I would constantly find myself blaming the current moment, and situation, for me not doing. I’d tell myself;
“Well I’d be more eager to study if I didn’t have to do it all by myself”
“If I didn’t have to spend 8 hours/day as a nurse, I would have more room in my brain to internalize all this new information”
“I’m not learning today because I don’t feel motivated enough. (Hence I’ll watch motivational tv-shows”
Instead of admitting that life can be difficult at times, but I’m the only one who can change it, I was making excuses for not really doing anything. I could dream about my better future all day, and at the same time prevent myself from actually doing something for it.
I keep forgetting that if I wont enjoy my life until this, that and those things happen; I might as well give up now. There will always be something to expect, something to dream about. “Something coming”.
As a young person it’s easy to think that when I’m older I’ll have the answer to everything. It’s hard to see the consequences of my decisions in a bigger picture because I’ve only been alive for 20+ years.
As a young person, with a lot of dreams, it’s easy to see the present as just a “phase” that we all have to go through to get to the real life. Like an average appetizer before the amazing main course.
Yet if I go ask my mom what would she do if she could go back in time — she would tell me she’d go back to her twenties.
There has to be some magic in these years I’m living, and I’ve just figured out what I want to do with my life. I’m about to take a giant leap professionally, and there’s a lot going on in my life beyond that.
So why would I want to skip the present moment? Why would I want to skip the appetizer? I honestly don’t know.
I’m just hoping I’ll quickly learn that this moment right here, is not a part of some beta test waiting for the next phase. My release date is way in the past, so to say, and I should enjoy whatever it is that I’m going through right now.
“You’re only 20 once” is starting to have a meaning for me. And it’s good.
