Boundaries and Consent
There’s a lot of advice out there about how to set up healthy boundaries for yourself, but so much of it misses the mark. The problem isn’t really setting up boundaries. It’s having them be respected. And unfortunately you can’t actually make other people respect your boundaries.
Boundaries are just another way of talking about consent. It’s consent about how you want to be talked to by specific people in specific contexts. It’s consent about what matters of your life you want left private. It’s consent about your time. It’s consent about your possessions, your space, your business, and — yes — your body. There are people who will ignore your consent or push back against it. There are people who will manipulate you and make you feel like your consent doesn’t matter or you don’t have a right to say no or be angry. These people can be romantic partners, but are just as often friends, roommates, parents, co-workers, etc.
A lot of us, having been raised in a society where consent is frequently trampled, will struggle with this. We’ll trample on the boundaries of people we love without meaning to, or because we think it’s “not important”, or because carefully checking someone else’s boundaries isn’t something we’ve been trained to do.
There’s a famous cartoon that explains consent re: sexual assault by using the metaphor of offering someone tea. If someone didn’t want tea, you wouldn’t force it on them, right? You wouldn’t yell at them or threaten them or manipulate them to have tea.
Except… parents do that all the time.
And I’ve had friends who won’t take no when I don’t want to eat or drink something. People with eating disorders, sensory conditions, allergies, or who just plain don’t want a particular food item will still have folks trying to force it on them. And yes, when someone says “I don’t want that” and you keep pushing, you are trying to force them.
Obviously, children need to eat and parents worry a lot about picky eaters, but threats and manipulation aren’t the answer. Communication is. Giving your kids the tools to express why a food works or doesn’t work for them will accomplish so much more.
But consent and boundaries go way beyond food and childhood. If someone destroys something you own, that’s not you “failing to set boundaries” about your possessions. It might be part of a pattern of abuse.
The same can be said for a lot of violations of boundaries. And yes, this means many of us have engaged in behaviors that are harmful at one point or another. Maybe you didn’t think it was a big deal, didn’t hear an explicit “no” and took that as consent, thought it was for “their own good”, or were “too angry to think straight”.
So much of this is normalized in our culture, but strip away the idea that it’s on the violated party to set boundaries and realize it’s on us to gain consent and respect it and suddenly just how damaging these behaviors are becomes clear.
But how do you set and respect boundaries in a mutually healthy way? How can you identify a dangerous situation where your boundaries are being tested by someone who might be working up to abuse or is already abusing you?
Communicate about boundaries and expectations
What are you comfortable with? What are they comfortable with? What do you expect to happen or to receive? If you’re not sure someone is comfortable with something, check. Stating our needs, desires, and expectations and checking in on the needs, desires, and expectations of others is one of the most vital aspects of any healthy relationship, be it romantic, familial, friendly, or even professional. If you’re uncomfortable with something and it’s safe to speak up, say so.
If the other person ignores your stated limits or is making you feel like you can’t express your desires, this is not a safe situation. Take it as a serious warning sign.
Tune in emotionally
It can be hard to know how you really feel about things depending on background or neurodiversity. Spend time learning your own cues. Does your stomach hurt when something is upsetting you? Do you go numb? Do you switch to negative self-talk in your head? And remember that other people can also have trouble identifying their emotions, which means you’ll have to be careful. Ensure other people have the space to explore their feelings without feeling pressured by you. If it doesn’t seem like someone can safely and truthfully tell you how they really feel, then you can’t get their consent about boundaries in that situation.
If someone else is ignoring your feelings or telling you how you feel or making an unsafe environment for you to share your feelings, that isn’t good. It’s another serious warning sign.
A yes is not a yes if you can’t safely say no
If you’ve been manipulated into agreeing to something you didn’t want, that’s not your fault for failing to set boundaries. Or if you agreed and then find the reality doesn’t match your expectations or you just don’t want to keep doing it, you should always be able to change your mind. Maybe you promised to help a friend move, but now your back is hurting. Maybe you accepted an invitation to a party, but someone is there that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you agreed to try a new food, but now you don’t want to eat it. It can be terrifying to have to take back something you agreed to, but you do have that right. And everyone you know has that right. Make sure the people in your life know they have that right and no matter how frustrating it might be for you, be respectful when they exercise it. Let them know they can exercise it.
If someone keeps pushing you to do things even after you’ve decided those things aren’t right for you, that’s another warning sign.
Relationships are built on consent
Everyone has a right to leave an interpersonal relationship for any reason or none at all. If there’s a consistent pattern of someone violating your consent, that might mean you have to leave for your own safety. There are legal and ethical obligations in certain situations — like parents towards their minor children — but most relationships can be disentangled eventually. It takes legal mediation, but even marriages can end. Of course it can be deeply painful when it happens. Depending on how long you’ve been together, it can actually be on par with the same stress and grief experienced over the death of a loved one. If you’ve experienced past trauma, like abandonment in childhood or the loss of a parent, any change in a relationship can stir up that trauma. But even if it is incredibly painful, your partner or friend does have the right to end the relationship. Threats of self-harm, accusations that leaving is tantamount to abuse, and other manipulations to keep someone in a relationship actually are abusive.
(And yes, there are nuances about cutting off communication or threatening to leave a relationship that can edge into abuse as well, but those are different from simply leaving a relationship.)
Your consent matters. Sometimes we’re poor communicators and our limits aren’t made explicit, but if someone is consistently crossing your boundaries the problem is not you failing to set them.
You have the right to leave. They have the right to leave. If someone can’t leave, that’s not love. It’s a hostage situation. These facts are what make (romantic, familial, friendly) relationships where we’ve both chosen to be present with one another so precious.
