Paul
I remember the first time I ever spoke to Paul it was after PE class I was walking out the weigh room and he was coming in. He stopped in front of me I’ve never seen him before. He look at my shoes and said “ nice flats” I smiled at him, but I was confused on what he meant I had on running shoes, or what I though were running shoes.
“Your shoes they look like racing flats, like for cross country” he said.
“ Oh, I never notice that my mom bought them for me. I told her I needed some running shoes for track this is what I got.” I said.
“Well they’re nice, I like them.” Paul said. My name is Paul by the way.” He extended his hand to shake mine.
“Hi Paul I’m Tessa, nice to meet you.” I said while shaking his hand.
“ Are you new? I’ve never seen you before, and I know all the people in the track team.” He smiled.
“Yes, I just moved here from Arizona and my counselor encourage me to do a sport, I’m not really good at anything else so I figure I should try running.” I said.
“Well I guaranteed you’ll love it.” He said. “Track is really fun.”
“ So far so good.” I said.
He smiled at me and walked into the weigh room. I felt instantly in love I tough, but at the same time I was only fourteen. I am most certainly that I did not know what love was at that age. I just knew that Paul gave me butterflies and made me feel different.
I guess you can say that that is where our love story begins outside the weight room my freshman year in high school. But Paul and I always missed each other. Our timing was never right we were always with other people and in different parts of our lives.
At that time Paul was with Karen they been together all four years of high school they were high school sweethearts and I was the new awkward freshman with no friends. Our lives then simply didn’t seem like they would fit together. I had strong feelings for him, but I knew that nothing could happen. Besides in five months he would be graduating and I wouldn’t see him at all after that. So that was the end of the first time Paul and I missed each other.
A year an half later I had a boyfriend and Paul was off to school in another state. At this point my boyfriend and me were sort off together and I say sort off because we were doing the long distance relationship. At his point I had join the cross-country team and was training during the summer, my boyfriend was working with his dad in Bakersfield. We hadn’t seen each other since the last day of school before summer break. The calls started to become less frequent and the texts were shorter and shorter. I was sad that we weren’t clicking anymore and that we were apart for this whole time. Then one day I show up to practice and I see Paul. My heart instantly starts pumping so hard it was like the first time he talked to me. All those feelings rush back to me I had butterflies in my stomach and all I wanted to do was hug him, but I couldn’t walk over to where he was I was so nervous. Something came over me. So I walked over to my best friend Karla and began talking to her.
“Why is Paul here?” I said.
“He’s going to be helping out with the coaching for the summer break, well what’s left of it.” Karla said.
“Oh, I see that cool of him.” I said trying to hide how I really felt that he was there.
“What’s wrong you look pale.” Karla said.
“What! Nothing I feel fine, my knee been hurting but I’m fine.” I said.
“No you’re not,” Karla said with a smile. “ You’re nervous that Paul is here huh?”
“What are you talking about? No I’m not I’m fine its just my knee I don’t think I can run today and Pearson is going to get all mad because I’m going to miss this work out.” I explained. “ I’m scared to tell him it hurts”
“That’s bad you should tell him you can injure yourself more, he’ll understand.” Karla said.
“Really, is Pearson when has he ever understood anything.” I said. “ I’m just going to do the work out and see how much I can handle”.
“ That’s not a good idea your just going to make things worse Tessa just……”
“Ok everyone warm up!” yelled Pearson.
Karla and I begin our warm up one lap around the whole park. We get to the baseball fields on the back of the park and my knee really begins to hurt a lot, but I decide that I am going to continued with the warm up and work out. After the warm up we head out into our work out. I begin running and not even thirty minutes into the work out my knee begins to hurt so much that I can’t take it any longer. I decide to head back to the park and do some core exercises and rest my knee. As I am walking to the park I figure nobody would be there since all the coaches were running the work out as well. When I get there I see Paul standing next to the parking lot where we all left our things. I get so nervous just seeing him. I walk over to where he is.
“Hey, why are you back so soon?” he asks.
“My knee is hurting so much I cant take it any longer.” I said.
“Oh no that’s not good, what kind of pain are you feeling?” he asks.
“It’s a sharp pain and when I step down it travel down to my foot.” I said.
“ Well that doesn’t sound very good.” he said. “Here sit down I can take a look at it.” He said as he pointed to the floor.
I sit down and he begins to examine my knee. He puts pressure on it and for a second I forget it even hurts I am more concern about him. He is leaning so close to me his hands are all over my leg. I feel myself blush.
“I don’t feel anything out of place or swelling that’s good,” he said. “ It might be that you have been putting too much pressure on it so your body is telling you to take it easy.”
“I probably have since my hip injury I feel like I put too much pressure on the other side of my body.” I said
“You have to be careful with that, I know its hard but try really hard to balance yourself out.” He said. “You should rest today and tomorrow and use the foam roller on your hip.”
“Thank you.” I said
“Your welcome anything for you.” He said.
The rest of the time at the park we spend it talking and catching up and at the end of practice he offers me a ride home. He takes me home and ever since that day we spend whatever was left of the summer together. He was at all our practice and he would always give me rides home. He would take me out to eat, we would hang out after practice or on the weekends. We would talk for hours on the phone; it was like we were dating. For a brief moment we got a glimpse of what our life could be together. Those five weeks were some of the most special wonderful weeks of my life. I felt loved and wanted I actually got to experience true pure love it was what I was missing out. By the end it was so hard to say bye to him to let him go, whenever he would drop me off home I couldn’t help but feel sad. Even though we spend all this time together we never kissed we never held hands we just had each other’s company and words. The last time I saw him that summer was the most depressing day of my life I knew that we were saying goodbye forever really. He was going back to school and I was staying. No to mention my boyfriend was also coming back, yeah I guess I forgot about that guy. The last time he drop me off at my house he parked and we talked for five hours about everything and anything. We even circle back to topics that we had already talked about it was like we didn’t want to leave each other we wanted to stay there in that moment together soaking it all in. Saying goodbye brought tears to my eyes because I knew that ones again that was the last of our love story. That was the last time I would have him next to me close by and the last time I would have this connection with him the last time. We said goodbye and of course in all formalities we said see you soon, but I knew that that would not happen that soon would not come any time soon. We hugged for what it seem like years I felt his warm, his hear beating, his breath on my neck his hands on my waist his lips on my check we slowly started to separate from each other letting go one finger at a time wishing we had more time, wishing we could be, wishing we could freeze that moment forever. And as we let go and I walk into my house and wave goodbye I begin to cry a slow and painful cry. Somehow knowing that was the last time I would see him for a long time.
***Fast forward to 15 years later
“Why did I ever get married?” I said. “Why? So I can get divorce ten years later and have a broken heart.”
“I’m so sorry your going trough this Tessa.” Karla said.” I will always be here for you. Peter its such and immature child you deserve better anyways. I know you still love him and you didn’t want to get divorce, but maybe this is for the best.”
“Well I don’t see the best any time soon.” I said. “ I just don’t want to be in this pain anymore it hurts to much Karla.
“I know it does.” Karla said as she climbs into be with me and hugs me.
I mean ten years is a pretty good time to be marries right? At least I can say I was married ones, I couldn’t make it work but I was married for ten years. I wish I could just walk out of this unharmed like Peter. He is walking out of this marriage with no pain and with everything that he walk in with. Me on the other hand I get a broken heart and a house. I appreciate the house but I would gladly give it up if I didn’t have to suffer trough this. You know how hard it is to get over someone that you spend the last thirteen years with, the person that you though was the love of your life, the father of your children the person that you would grow old with. Its beyond hard it’s exhausting and terrifying. It not just any ordinary heartbreak you feel like a failure for not being able to stay together an making it work for not being able to commit to your vows. A divorce is one of the hardest things you will ever have to experience in life. I wish it were more mutual like we both wanted this then it wouldn’t suck as much. But what else is there to do than just move on. I’ve done it before I’ve gotten over breakups it’s a matter of time before I am not in pain any more and I am able to move on and be happily alone forever.
A couple months pass and I am dealing with this divorce fairly well. I am out of my bed and into regular clothes now. I am actually going out tonight with Karla she wouldn’t tell me where she is taking me but I don’t care its been a while and I am ready for some fun. Karla picks me up around eight she said we have to eat first if we want to remember what we did. So I’m guessing a lot of alcohol is involved in this nigh which I don’t oppose to. She takes me to Valeo a new trendy Italian restaurant downtown. The restaurant is packed filled with couples and large groups, but Karla made a reservation so we get seated right away. We get this small table by the bar. The bar is full to capacity with some people even standing up. We can hear some of the conversations going on everybody looks like they are having a good time. Karla figures it will be faster to get drinks directly from the bar so she stands up and makes herself around the crowed. She almost makes it to the bar when a guy taps her on the shoulder and asks her what would she like. They begin to talk and I go back to reading the menu deciding what I want waiting for Karla to come back. After about five minutes she comes back with two drinks and a phone number.
“That guy just gave me his number and two free drinks.” She said.
“Well isn’t that nice of him.” I said. “ Is he part of that whole group?”
“Yeah, he said his best friend just got engaged today and they are meeting him and the fiancée here to celebrate.” She said.
“Oh that’s nice of them, the engagement is always the best part of it.” I said.
“Forget about that we are here to have fun and forget about marriage.”
She said.
We make a toast and as soon as we take a sip the large group starts to clap. We look up and the newly engaged couple walks in holding hands and smiling. They begin to walk over to the bar hugging and greeting all of their friends. As they get closer I notice a familiar face its Paul. He makes himself to the end of the bar hugging and fist bumping everybody at the bar. He reaches his best friend hugs him and as he lets the hug he turns to our table. He notices me and his face turns pale like he just saw a ghost. I’ve been staring at him the whole time so by this time my face just looks creepy string back at him. To my surprise I get up from my seat very calmly and take a step towards him and as our eyes meet all the flashbacks to that summer together come back flooding to my head like a broken dam. Its like time had never past its like we were picking up from the last time we saw each other. It felt like time really froze for us there was just excitement and light in my eyes. I wanted to run into his arms and kiss him and tell him that he was the one for me. That we are meant to be together that I loved him, yes that even after all these years and after all our history that I still loved him that he was the one that truly had my heart all this time. That everybody else was just practice they were put in our lives to make us better to teach us how to be the best possible person for each other. That was exactly what I though as I lean forward to give him a hug and congratulate him for his engagement. Ones again Paul and me have missed each other and are in opposites timing. He is happy and about to start the biggest journey of his life and I am starting a new very sad chapter in my life and I am left wondering “what if”, what if we ever had the possible right timing and our love story would actually happen? What if he wasn’t with Karen at the time we met? What if I wasn’t with Sam on that summer, what if we actually decided to be together that summer? What if we actually made a long distance relationship work? What if we try harder to keep in touch and talk to one another? What if I would have never gotten married? Would I have married Paul instead and what if Paul wasn’t getting married now? What if we would have done things differently and actually end up together would Paul and I still be together after 19 years from the first time we ever met? All we are left with are the “what if’s” questions and regrets.