Anorexia:How I went from obsessing,to not giving a F**K

Basically,this is just my personal journey from fit and sick,to sick and not caring about my appearance as much.

Now I know how odd it sounds for a 23 year old to say “I don’t care about what I look like” because I do,to an extent.Just not caring to the extent of starving myself anymore.

Not many people realize there is a cause for someone to develop an eating disorder.For me,it was an ex I dated for about 7 months,who called me things like “his chubby girl” or “fatty” basically demeaning,dehumanizing things that made me want to kick him in the face and vomit.

Once all of that started because I was “15 and in love” I thought I had to change.I just wasn’t good enough.And because I have a past of abuse,I already didn’t feel good enough.So every time he would call me a name,it would drop me down a peg.

Eventually I just said fuck it,and started starving myself.To please my boyfriend,who ended up being a cheater anyhow,so I ended up dumping his ass,but the eating disorder stuck.It was like a voice in my head saying “if you eat that piece of bread,you’re gonna regret it”

Taunting me,day in and day out,about whatever I ate.

My whole family began to notice after a few months of hiding food,or saying I wasn’t hungry,pushing food around on my plate and pretending to eat, but barely ever putting the fork in my mouth.It took a while,but I started dropping weight.

I also noticed my teeth became more sensitive,and I became more nauseated,and I always felt like I was going to faint.My blood sugar would get dangerously low.I practically became anemic and my bones started to hurt.

About 4 years into the disorder,My mom finally forced me to go to an eating disorder clinic,to see a dietitian and nutritionist.

Seeing other people in the waiting room,who looked like they were on their death bed,was eye opening.Nothing but skin and bones,missing patches of hair or completely bald.These poor girls were digging their graves faster than they could realize.

It was eye opening,but not enough for me to change.Because people started to make me feel like I was more attractive and guys started noticing me more so that made me feel good,so I added a rigorous workout regimine into the routine of starving myself.That is when I was at the peak of my eating disorder.That lasted for about 3 years.Until I was about 21 years old.

The smallest I was,was 112 pounds.Sounds healthy right? Nope.I may only be just about 5’3,but you could see every bone in my body.my face looked sunken in,I basically ran my body to the ground,working out twice a day even if I was bedbound from my other illnesses,and I knew it would make me sicker but I didn’t care.I wanted to be as skinny as possible.I was so fixated on wanting to feel good,feel sexy and wanted and not be the “fat girl” that I was.

One day I met a guy.Who made me feel beautiful inside and out.He persued me and made me feel wanted,but not like any of the other guys acted toward me.He was different.I could feel that he would be the one to change my life.

When we first started talking he was a sweet heart.Of course he found me attractive and that’s why he started talking to me,but we also connected on a deeper level than that.He made me feel so alive and inspired,the more I would talk to him,the more,I started to like myself.Because I realized I am witty and can be charming if I want to.So I started noticing positive qualities about myself,that didn’t include looks.You HAVE to change the way you perceive yourself,I can’t stress how important that is.

Now at this point in my life,my eating disorder was dying down a little because my health was rapidly declining and not because of that particular disorder.But it was still a factor in my life.

This guy made me realize a lot of things and I had to reach deep within myself and drag myself out of that ugly pit.If I couldn’t love myself,I would always feel inadequate.I didn’t want to live my life that way.So one day I picked up a peanut butter cup and I ate it.

Now that was huge for me,because I didn’t eat any processed foods,or refined sugars.I avoided anything that was even remotely unhealthy.So eating that one Peanut butter cup,was me screaming FUCK YOU to the voice in my head that was constantly telling me I wasn’t good enough.

Now I am proud to say,3 years later I am free from the grips of that horrible disorder,and I have no one to thank for that,but myself.Because it took a lot of courage for me to say,I should finally start loving myself and treating my body right.And ladies and gents,that’s something you will never regret.

I am still with that guy,incase anyone is wondering.We have plans to get married in the next few years,spend our lives together.Because once you love yourself unconditionally,you are unstoppable.So I do give him a little credit *wink wink* because him loving me,and caring for me the way that he does,showed me a lot about myself.

Don’t get me wrong,you will have days where you just don’t feel the best about yourself,and that voice can creep back in but that’s just normal for any human being with an eating disorder.But you have to tell that voice in your head that they are irrelevant and you go and eat a fricken Cannoli,because you deserve it.

Everything is easier said than done.But you have all the power,not the disease.Take the power back,no matter how long it takes.Anybody can do it,you really just have to try.Even if it is as simple as eating a peanut butter cup.That was a first step.There were plenty more challenges and steps ahead,but it was so worth it.

So,now I’m trying this new thing called being “body positive” hopefully I can keep up this attitude and keep on loving myself the way I should,and continue not giving A SINGLE FUCK about what people have to say about my weight gain.

I’m healthy now,and I beat Anorexia Nervosa.