A word I didn’t think could be in my vocabulary anymore.But it’s a very real word.For the first time in about 5 years,yesterday was one of the most miserable,nerve wracking days I’ve had in a very long time.
I didn’t know how to express how trapped and tormented I felt knowing I didn’t have a way out.It was something most people do with ease.I was going to watch one of my best friends get married.Weddings are supposed to be fun,right?
Being around a bunch of strangers is not my cup of tea seeing as I’ve let this year fly right past me with leaving the house maybe 10 times,at best.
But because I have a history with PTSD/generalized bipolar with a wide range of symptoms including Social Anxiety Disorder,Agoraphobia and chronic illnesses to top it off,knowing I didn’t have a ride from anyone Incase I “got sick” made me feel how my tormentor made me feel.Trapped.like I didn’t have a choice but to go and do it and there’s no way out.feeling out of control is not something I cant handle.I felt so out of control that I did nothing but scream at everyone who didn’t understand and bash myself for doing so and all along I think that was the underlying issue.Under the layers of sickness and anxiety it boiled down to being trapped.feeling like a trapped little kid.
So I relapsed and self harmed.I didn’t cut bad.At least not as bad as i used to.i didn’t think I would ever do it again,and I did.It stopped masking my debilitating mental health with temporary pain when I was around 19.The high it gave me,the release..was gone.So I thought I would never feel the need to.
I was sorely mistaken.
Just because I’ve grown so much,doesn’t mean my problems aren’t as real as they used to be.I was desperate for an escape.I don’t have anyone to comfortably go to.and typically I’m used to the isolation.Im not even comfortable enough with my counselor yet,to give her a ring when I need some help.
After spending most of my morning/afternoon crying and feeling helpless with almost no support,I went upstairs.I felt s numbness I knew was familiar,but havnt felt in so long.I didn’t think anymore.I didn’t want to.My mind drew a blank,That feeling always came before I was going to do something stupid.I went to my desk and pulled out my shears.They were sharp at an angle.Sharp enough to cut through skin if you apply enough pressure.I played with them for a while.touching the metal,feeling the pointed ends with the tips of my fingers.
I was trying 'grounding technique’s’ my counselor taught me.Trying to feel something real.ground myself in the moment and breathe.I just couldn’t.I must have played around and poked myself with them for a good 10 minutes before I just couldn’t take it any longer.
I always had to see the blood.if I didn’t see red,or the “white meat” as I call it,under the skin if you scrape hard enough,then it wasnt going to be good enough for me.I knew doing this blog,wasnt going to be enough for me.So I finally turned the shears at an angle and sliced across my upper forearm.it didn’t bleed.i thought maybe they were more dull than they seemed.so I did it again and again and again until the were tiny blood droplets forming.finally,i focused on something other than the doom I felt was coming.The feeling of having nobody to help me.
I immediately felt guilty.Like I had just done something awful.because I tell people so much how they just need a positive outlet and they can’t take things out on themselves.I just did exactly that.
I feel like all of my progress came to a complete stop,and I was nothing again.Even though that’s not the case,slip ups happen.but this was a deliberate slip up,and therefore I feel guilty.
It makes me want to flush all my gabapentin down the toilet because of how bad it makes my bipolar mood swings.
I got myself a bandaid,wore a long sleeved shirt,and went to the wedding,i didn’t have time to do my hair,or touch up my makeup from all the crying.Bile was sitting at the back of my throat.When I get stressed,I puke.so not only did i go there with hair and makeup a mess,but I went there feeling sickly and alone as well.
My mind is my own hellhole.Once I’m in it,i either have to tough it out,or stay home and wallow in it like I usually do.This time was different.It was much worse than what I normally deal with.Me and my bf were arguing exceptionally bad because of my erratic behavior,and every time he walked away it was like someone punched me in the stomach.I also didn’t blame him,because no one should be a punching bag,i simply didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way.And he can’t grasp why anyone acts that way and takes it out on themselves.Thats something I can never explain.
To top it off,i felt like a failure.Here I am 24 going into (technically) my 14th year of counseling,I have a relationship that I’m dedicated to,but i stopped painting,i don’t go to school,im on disability,and barely have any friends.They are “friendships” but they are also people I see when I’m feeling well and thats rarely.I don’t talk to anyone about anything regarding my episodes.So it’s extremely difficult to cope especially because what I seem to do best,is help other people cope.It makes me forget about how fucked up my mind and my life is.And here I am,watching a 22 year old who has a stable career and is going to school get married to a 30 year old who already has a house and his life together,join in holy matrimony.I wanted to gag.I felt depressed for my own life.How I’ve went nowhere fast..But I couldn’t help but feel happy for them.
Yesterday was so hard because I let myself down,and I let my boyfriend down.I didn’t practice what I usually preach.My mind wandered off to the dark place I hate for it to go.I can’t say I’ve never felt that way.that 'end of the world’ feeling.I felt it a lot during my teenage years but feeling it as an adult is different.When you’re a teenager,you expect a lot out of life.Young love,happiness and people don’t expect much out of you because well,youre an angsty teenager and you do as you please,maturity isn’t a factor..when you’re a little older you expect even more and people expect even more out of you because you’re supposed to display a certain level of maturity and act like a functioning adult.
I have a hard time doing that.Yesterday was that wakeup call.
When you need help,you need it,whether you’re an adult or not,and if no one wants to be there to support you, hug you and assure you that everything will work itself out,and see you at your worst,then they don’t deserve to see you at your best.
I can admit I had a nervous breakdown.Im still reeling from the aftershocks of feeling so horrid,to having to go in public and dance and smile and act like everything was okay and the stars aligned and all that bullshit.I did end up having a good night.But a sickness today,not just physically but I woke up feeling mentally sick.im on the cusp of a depressive episode with mixed mania symptoms and the question I always ask myself is,how do you cope when you feel like everything around you is falling apart?.
When do I gain back the little bits of control that made me feel safe?
I feel so unsafe in my life.because of the anxiety,the paranoia,the nerve pain,the nauseousness,being nervous to even leave the house,yet pretend you’re fine day in and day out gets exhausting.
Somethings gotta give.Thankfully I see my psychiatrist and counselor soon,but I also feel like im letting them down too.A lot of people look down on you when you self harm or have mental illness.I fit the bill.the common stereotype.Hell I should be on a billboard for the mentally unstable.But I’m still human,i can have intelligent conversations,i can be witty and funny and really sarcastic and crude.I don’t just have bad qualities because being mentally ill doesn’t make me a bad person.it just makes me a sick person.A person who had to suffer at the hands of people who were supposed to love and care for me and let me down.It makes me can’t help but wonder if I am worth caring for.It takes so much effort to care for a person like me.
Am I going to make a good wife someday? Am I going to be able to take care of myself and my significant other? I question a lot and I scrutinize everything.I think I’m rambling now so I’ll close it here.Yesterday made me realize I have to humble myself and think realistically.Relapses do happen.5 steps forward 2 steps back.
Now I think it’s time to reflect and read my self help books to get a head start on starting fresh again.