An Open Letter to John McCain’s Brain Tumor

Ross W Berman IV
Jul 25, 2017 · 2 min read

Dear Tumor,

I’m not sure if you are able to get the news from your position in John McCain’s skull. If you haven’t, then I’d like to let you in on a little piece of irony. While you’ve been chewing away at John McCain’s speech functions, motor skills, and overall quality of life, John McCain has decided to step away from the doctors and the tests and the end-of-life rigmarole for a day and continue the healthcare debate.

I know, it’s bonkers.

Anyway, I wanted to make sure I got to you while the senator still had some time left. You see, you have a lot of control over Sen. McCain. I watched live, as you made him completely botch his turn to question James Comey. It’s time to show the world what you can really do.

If it is within your power, in the endless, painful eternity that will be McCain’s final moments, please block the parts of his brain that would respond to morphine. Please warp his perception of time, so that his final, agonizing minutes drag on for a millennia. Please give him horrifying visions of all of the victims of his party’s vile need to engorge profit to health insurance companies.

You have this power, Brain Tumor….sorry, Mr. Tumor. You might think it’s tasteless for me to suggest any of the above, but your host, Sen. McCain gave the go-ahead by continuing the debate over who deserves to live or die.

Sincerely,
A Chronically-Ill American.

“Well I hope I don’t die too soon
I pray the lord my soul to save
Oh I’ll be a good boy, I’m trying so hard to behave
Because there’s one thing I know, I’d like to live
Long enough to savor
That’s when they finally put you in the ground
I’ll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down”
-Elvis Costello

Author’s Note: If any readers have any complaints about this piece of catharsis, please let me know, @RossWBermanIV on twitter.

Ross W Berman IV

Written by

Chicago based folk-singing wrestling-journalist comedian. @WRESTLEZONEcom’s resident insomniac covering New Japan Pro Wrestling. Presidential Candidate in 2028.

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